Bea Yourself

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2011-11-22T14:22:00.002-05:00

I have been a bad blogger and haven't posted in a long, long time. This morning, while enjoying my cup of tea I was flooded by memories of Thanksgivings past. This is the first year since I was 17 that I will not be prepping the brid so to speak. I received my turkey training at the age of 12. My mother and I would get up at 5 am to begin the making of the dressing, side dishes and the bird. I can remember the first time I did my solo prep...the sheer terror of, "...did I use too much onion in the dressing?...will the gravy break and be lumpy?....did I use too much sour cream in the mashed potatoes?"...what a surprise when I discovered that everybody liked it! Since then I've been appointed the Maker of the Thanksgiving Feast (except for that one year my sister got a bit deep in her cups and tried to feed everybody raw turkey-after that the family decided that I should continue in Mom's place-vino after the cooking was complete). No one has ever gotten sick from my cooking and I'm rather proud of it LOL. Althought truth be told there was a year when I was very sick and put entirely too much sage in the dressing-I cook by sense of smell-LOL the stuffing was green-it's been the family joke, "Should I add more sage?" This year will be different, I won't be getting up at 5 to chop, slice, dice, food process, boil, or bake. I won't be slicing the cheese platter, setting out the pickles and olives....I'll be spending it this year with friends which I am deeply thankful for....so many blessings in disguise.

Wishing you a safe and delightful holiday.

Ummm ICK!

2011-06-22T20:11:00.002-05:00

After watching several vieos in u tube I have become convinced that Maddona is wiry, ugly and terribly unattractive, It's a shame because she could represent to much...instead she's interested in tying be younger than she realy is. Celebrate yourself, embrace your age instead of trying to be an infant.

Today...I am angry

2008-11-09T07:40:00.007-05:00

Years ago I went to a therapist who told me it was OK to be angry. It is OK to occupy that space and to admit it. Part of the healing process is the expression of the dilemma (instead of holding everything inside, a negative self-destructive manner).

Today I am angry, not the Pompeii kind of anger where I get all kinds of volcanic and violently erupt. This anger is more of a simmering bubble, things heat at the bottom and slowly come to the surface to pop, little expressions of buried frustration, resentment and over all discontent. Reasons:

1. The economy tanking, gas prices rising to levels of stupidity I didn't think were possible...and some very wealthy families making millions off the suffering of people (Americans, Europeans, everybody on the planet). This pisses me off to no end. What we do to others, we do to ourselves. What goes out comes back to the source, often 10 time more powerful or destructive than the original act. Why do human beings seem incapable of helping each other? This has been going on for thousands of years-you'd think we'd get the words of wisdom in the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud and the great teachings of Buddha. And do not tell me I don't know what I'm talking about-I've done extensive research.

2. At work, I am frustrated. There are no words to describe the depths. At the moment I seem incapable of understanding and this bothers me, deeply. If there is one person on the planet who will jump in at the darkest hour and save your ass, it is me. I really am the Dark Knight (no I'm not a man, I don't live in a cave or have an English butler to look after me-I am honorable and sincerely wish to help those who are in need) and when the shit hits the fan you call me and I get you out-that's what I do. All of this hinges on my ability to understand the scope of your situation, the ramifications of what you need and what I need to perform to get the job done. If I don't comprehend then I cannot perform, I am, for lack of a better term, cut off at the knees. If you are my executive, my drive and focus is your well being. If you want to meet with the Devil himself, I call his secretary, schedule the date/time and get you through the gates of Hell and back. I may not physically be on the trip with you but indirectly I am removing obstacles, possible nasty encounters and I am there keeping you from harm's way. I support 4 very different executives (CEO, CFO, President and Sr. Vice President) and I am failing. To give an example, you are sitting in your car trying to find a radio station (because you cannot afford satellite radio) as you spin through the dial nothing comes in clearly, every signal is weak. These radio signals are like the 4 executives I support; each has different operating frequency, a different signal strength and I am trying to find them; help them, get them what they need. But I'm not receiving the broadcast, the message is distorted, confusing and jumbled. This inability to find them makes me question my abilities and I spend sleepless nights second guessing myself. Is it me? Why can't I understand? I am giving it my best effort and still can't make it work. Does my inability to perform indicate that I should find another line of work or do I gut it out and try to work a solution? If I gut it out, I will do so without support and am I strong enough and intelligent enough to find the way through? A different train of thought comes into play here. There are situations in life that occur that are insurmountable, the lesson to be learned is that sometimes we cannot solve the problem or overcome the odds. Is this one of those situations for me? Tenacity and the inability to walk away from a train wreck have been bred into me. I cannot watch someone drown. I'm the idiot on the beach that goes racing into a rip tide with a life preserver. Maybe I am the one drowning and there's no one on the beach with a life preserver. Maybe I should swim to a safe harbour and salvage what I can?
3. I am angry because I cannot pay my bills. I have always been a responsible person, self sufficient and independent. I now find myself with $6 in my checking account; zero in savings and bills coming out the wazoo. Yet Dubya and his cronies are making billions off of inflated gas prices and people dying in the Middle East...yeah I'm a bit torqued up about that....
4. I am lonely. I am lonely because all I do is work and I work to compensate for my loneliness. It's a vicious cycle. I am by nature a shy person. I have great difficulties at parties and gatherings. I am the person who comes spends 30 minutes and leaves because I feel so socially inept. You see, deep down I don't know what to do or say and this makes me terribly nervous. I dread going to pubs and bars because I don't know what to do in them aside from the obvious of having a cocktail. When I get uneasy I blurt out the most idiotic statements and then rush off to the rest room to cringe in horror about what I've just said. When I go out to the movies, shopping at the Mall or at a store, I look at couples and wonder why I seem unable to find a decent male companion? Is it such a crime against nature that I should have a boyfriend? What is it that I project that makes me undesirable? Am I really that damaged, tainted and awful?
5. Are the standards I have established for myself too high? Have I set my own guidelines too far from my grasp and is this why I am so frustrated? I know that I push myself to extreme lengths to help others because I understand what it is like to be lost and confused with nowhere to go for an answer. Growing up I felt very alone, friendless. There was nowhere for me to turn except inward in times of difficulty. I know my mother did her best to raise us, I place no blame on her. I hold no resentment toward her, she was not responsible for the events that shaped my early development. In her own way she tried to make the best of a truly shitty situation and I doubt I could've made better choices.

So far this is just the tip of the ice berg. I'm sure there is more lurking beneath the surface but I have to wait for it to bubble up and vent it. I have no answers yet. I'm still pondering.

Navel Gazing......

2008-11-01T18:12:00.006-05:00

Went to see "Max Payne" and would recommend waiting for rental on this one. Normally I enjoy a good testosterone charged film but this time it was a bit disappointing. On my way out of the cinema I had a thought, well actually several thoughts at once. Work has been a priority on my mind and I find myself working really stupid hours and losing sleep. Which begs the question...why do I do this to myself? Is my need for approval so great that I must work myself into a sleep deprived mess? I thought more about it on my way home. I am driven to "be there" because I know what it's like not to have any help, hence my hyper-drive to help others. I understand what it's like to be so lost that I am inordinately driven to help others...often to my own detriment. So why do I lay it on the line for an office that could give a shit less and 4 bosses who I suspect don't really give a shit either? Am I just being professional or is there something inside of me that enjoys having the shit kicked out of me?? Instinctively I know there is no pay off, there is no white knight who's gonna come charging outta the sunset and help me...I am The Dark Knight and I rescue others when they least expect it. I am the silent watchful Guardian who bails your ass out when the shit hits the fan...but I am tired of constantly rescuing others...when do I get rescued? Who helps me when I'm in trouble and can't find my way through? Disturbingly...I suspect no one...and this frightens me because I am not Teflon. There are occasions when I need assistance and have absolutely no one to turn to, no one to understand, no one to offer a life preserver or parachute. Which brings me to the question am I unconsciously being a martyr? If I am, does this make me a bad person or a self-indulgent idiot? Am I driven to help others so I can somehow find a way to help myself? Or do I really need to find another line of work so I can get myself off this treadmill of self destruction? Too many questions with no answers at the moment...

The Bottom Line...

2008-10-26T18:21:00.001-05:00

I love my Spaniards...they are insane but I love them...

Random Sunday Thoughts

2008-10-26T08:43:00.005-05:00

I've moved beyond "Saving Private Ryan" and into "Ultra Violet" mode, the "no touch" fight on the rooftop (if you've seen the movie you'll know what I'm talking about) with the Chinois Gou is now my reality. Constant twisting, turning, ducking in an impressive gymnastic dance of desperation to avoid a cascade of things being thrown at me. I have no time to think, just do and keep doing. I know in time things will improve and possibly get better, but right now I'm struggling to maintain. I'm tough, I can take it but can I sustain it? I constantly ask myself, " Why not cut and run for cover? What is it inside of me that compels me to gut it out when others would've left a long time ago?" I have no answer and am beginning to doubt my abilities and the quality of my work. Monday through friday I lose sleep, work 10-12 hour days and spend my weekends sleeping. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my days. I would prefer something a little more normal and suspect my time with my current employer will end once the office is moved. I have a conscience and to leave now would be ethically and morally questionable. It saddens me because I can make just about any circumstance work but the tasks I've been given push me far beyond my scope and I feel like I'm perpetually failing, fumbling and tumbling.

My long time Gold Fish companion Mister Finns died earlier this week...he'd been with me for 5 years...Fluffy the algae eater died a week before him. I have an empty fish tank with no aquatic pals. My bank account is almost empty, I have no social life and have slipped into a funk. In time I'll bounce back, I always do but right now, I'm feelin' kinda blue....

Me...

2008-10-13T18:55:00.003-05:00

God Save the Queen

2008-09-22T18:48:00.005-05:00

God save the Queen

I am a lioness with 3 Spanish cubs and one Jewish cub...God Save the Queen! How do I help these men and manage the details of my life?

I'll See You on the Beach...Saving Private Ryan

2008-09-11T19:27:00.005-05:00

Things lately have been all kinds of FUBAR and I find that my life now resembles the memorable opening sequence in "Saving Private Ryan". The Omaha Beach objective...the controlled chaos of forward movement and the struggle to keep going, at any cost. I have been given the task of supporting 4 key executives at work (CEO, CFO, President and Sr, VP) this task in itself is daunting. I did not ask for it, I am not happy about it and I sincerely wish I could go back to supporting the President and Sr. VP. What's done is done and I cannot change it. Add on the fact that 3 of these men are very European (limited English skills) makes it even more challenging. To throw another log on the fire, we're in the process of moving the office and as Manager, most of the little details roll back to me. I'm the only one who knows. I am the lifeline, the support and the glue that holds things together. I make the impossible possible, it is my art, my craft and my drive. I am responsible for the care and safety of the people I support. From top to bottom, they are under my protection and I am compelled to get them through any given situation with limited injury or harm-if it is within my power.

I feel like Tom Hank's character, Captain Miller. An ordinary person placed in a chaotic circumstance not of my creation, trying to do my duty to the best of my ability. My co-workers are nervous and my catch phrase has become, "I'll see you on the beach." I struggle to maintain forward momentum without stepping on cultural land mines, avoid haphazard organizational cross fire and lobbed corporate guideline grenades...I've reached the sea wall, "...shore party, shore party Dog One is not open say again Dog One is not open. First wave ineffective..." now somebody get me a bangalore so I can clear this shingle and do what I need to do...

Babylon AD

2008-08-31T13:33:00.002-05:00

Yet another installment of Bea's Adventures in Cinema...Babylon AD was fun, typical action film so don't go looking for War and Peace. Vin Diesel was well, Vin Diesel. Might be better to wait for the rental on this one.

Death Race

2008-08-24T14:42:00.002-05:00

Yes it's true, I have odd taste when it comes to movies. I am the first to admit my quirky likes and dislikes. I liked "Death Race". Taken from the 1970's "Death Race 2000" (starring a very young Sly Stallone and that version was far worse than this re-make) hell, it's an action flick not freakin' Sense and Sensibility. Testosterone is supposed to be hosing down the cinema and lets face it, Jason Statham and Ian McShane are two of my favs. I'm not looking for exquisite plot twists, Oscar worthy performances and phenomenal writing-I want to see beef-cake and shit blow up. This movie did not disappoint but I would suggest seeing a matinee rather than paying full price. It's made for the big screen and rental wouldn't do some of the wide shots justice unless you're heavily into letter box versions. For me, Ian McShane makes the movie..."No one f*&#!'s with my car..." fabulous line delivery...adore the man's voice.

Tropic Thunder

2008-08-17T14:15:00.002-05:00

OH. MY. GOD...absolutely, without a doubt, one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. Robert Downey Jr. makes this film. He is amazing. The fun begins with fake movie trailers which, sweet Jesus, are just too damned good for words. (laughed so hard I nasal jetted my diet coke). If you've got the time and the coin-check this film out...well worth the expense. The end credit bit with Tom Cruise was something I could've done without, it wasn't that funny and if anything detracted from the overall hilarity of the film.

The Prestige

2008-08-10T18:53:00.002-05:00

Have been on a Christopher Nolan kick lately and rented "The Prestige" starring Hugh Jackman, Michael Caine and Christian Bale. It's a story about magic, obsession and rivalry but there's so much more to it. I can't say anything beyond that because I don't want to reveal the trick. There's a great quote from the movie regarding illusions/magic tricks. Michael Caine says, "Now you're looking for the secret. But you won't find it because, of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled." It's the truth. I began watching the film and found myself being drawn into the characters and wondering just where the hell the story was going? It was a fascinating journey that did not disappoint. Truly a finely crafted screenplay, excellent direction and great acting (aside from a very predicable Scarlett Johannsen). If you have the coin-go rent this movie and get sucked in the way I did.

Random Questions without Answers

2008-07-31T20:24:00.002-05:00

Lately I seem to be going through a period of self questioning...why do I do what I do? Why do I chose to react the way I do? What keeps me from moving forward and finding some semblance of happiness? (This is not an ad for Dyanetics) Why the frig did I make that choice? How do I get out of this shitty situation? More importantly why did I allow it to happen in the first place? Is it stupid to stay in a job for one person or am to really fooling myself into a new level of self delusion? Is this a Mid-Life Crisis or am I just tired and over thinking?

I have no definitive answers yet and am fumbling my way through it.

Me...lookin' all kinds of professional at work...

2008-07-30T18:57:00.003-05:00

2008-07-28T19:30:00.002-05:00

now...GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!! (*Note: I did not take the picture shown above but whoever took it did a fabulous job)

Monday Random Thoughts

2008-07-28T19:11:00.004-05:00

After spending 6 weeks on surgical leave I was excited to return to work. I like what I do, I like helping people...when the hour is darkest, I bring the light (or at least find the batteries for the flashlight). I transform chaos into order and I make it look easy. I'm a damned fine Office Manager but there are days when I feel like the bottom of a bird cage and long to do something different with my life. It would be so nice to not have to pick up someone else's mess, not be responsible, reliable or the solver of great office mysteries (how to fix a jammed copier? someone broke the water spigot on the cooler what do we do? the coffee bill hasn't been paid...life as we know it may end...) Maybe I'm tired? Can burn out be hitting me so soon? I wonder if what I do or who I am makes a difference? Or am I deluding myself into believing that I'm more essential than I really am? Don't get me wrong, I'm not seeking a giant neon "Thank You" sign (God knows in an office full of engineers that is just not possible-not a fun crowd to be in)...I'd just like a billboard telling me, "YES, you're on track! Rock-on with your bad-self girl!"
*sigh*
Moving On....
After you've seen "Dark Knight" go see "Hellboy 2"...Del Toro, his cast, crew and writers deliver a fabulous follow up to the first film. Truly, one of the best films this year; lovely lighting, heart-warming story and wonderful cast.

Dark Knight-movie review-my take on it....

2008-07-21T16:24:00.008-05:00

The latest installment in the Batman franchise is by no means a disappointment, it goes beyond expectation. I have been a fan of Batman for a long time, read my first comic when I was in high school and my love for the character hasn't faded. Through all the adaptations (Tim Burton, Joel Schumacher, the campy TV show etc) the version by Christopher Nolan is a refreshing journey into the essence of the character. Both "Batman Begins" and "Dark Knight" are realistic in format and both are character driven pieces. There are special effects, neat toys, exceptional writing and CGI. "Dark Knight" has no happy ending, the struggle to bring Gotham back from the brink is a continued, up-hill war. It's not nice, it's not clean; like life, it's a mess. There are no rules written in stone, and shit happens.

Bale's performance highlights Wayne's struggles (justice vs vengeance, the mask he wears both personal and public, private live vs public demands etc). When given the opportunity does he go for the kill or does he fight for justice? This challenge always lurks in Bale's eyes. He is subtle and that's what makes his performance so good. His throaty, animalistic growl when confronting villains is not to avoid recognition, it is deeper. He's tapping into a dark, animalistic place (Duh-he's Batman). Descending to a guttural level where criminals live, going down to meet them head on. We see him with cuts and bruises (he's not Superman after all). I like the choices that Bale has made, no slick Val Kilmer-George Clooney-testosterone-charged-macho-gimmicks, just realistic nuances that enhance rather than detract from the essence of Bruce Wayne/Batman. I hope he continues in the role...I suspect there is quite a talent in this actor (his performance in "The Machinist" is truly the creepiest and mesmerizing...kid's got talent). He has said that he is surprised by the success of this film because most of this other films have tanked...my response to this...why do we fall?...so we learn to pick ourselves up. There will be more memorable performances from Mister Bale, and I sincerely hope he will continue to be the Dark Knight of Gotham. If you have any doubts about his performance, please check out the BBC's review of the film-worth a read for sure.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7519246.stm

Heath Ledger's Joker is his finest performance and an excellent counter-point to Bale's Batman. It is a shame that he is no longer with us. I refuse to jump on the "Heath for Best Supporting Actor" bandwagon. Yes his performance is good but the rest of the cast turns in excellent performances as well (hell most of them have been nominated or have won Oscars-these are true craftsmen). It is a shame that Ledger died so young but premature death doesn't warrant discounting other artists merits. Gary Oldman is exceptional as Gordon (the man never makes bad choices). Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Maggie Gyllenhaal (soooooooooooooooo much better than the now skeletal Katie Holmes-girl needs several cheeseburgers washed down with some serious whole milk chocolate shakes) also deliver excellence on screen.

Nolan, his cast and crew offer a mesmerizing, and amazing film. Lets hope he continues with the franchise. A big shout out of thanks to them for creating a humanized view of the Dark Knight who watches over Gotham...truly a fine piece of craftsmanship.

Rounding out the fabulousness...the score by the powerhouses of James Newton Howard and Hans Zimmer (you cannot go wrong with these two-just not possible).

If you are a fan of the graphic novels (not the TV show) go see the movie. It will knock your socks off.

If you want to see lots of kitch, CGI out the wing-wang (need I mention "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"-fabulous concept-truly-entirely too much bad CGI), catchy one liners, and camp galore-rent the Burton and Schumacher versions. (Mind you there is nothing wrong with these films-I enjoyed them for what they are, pure spectacle-but not the essence of Bruce Wayne/Batman; no delving into the man behind the mask, no exploration of the human being).

It made me smile for the first time in weeks...

2008-02-18T18:32:00.001-05:00

I saw this at Osquer's site and had to share, it's really quite lovely.

Some pics

2008-02-18T11:41:00.007-05:00

Me, workin' my hot mess o'hair on the balcony today. It's really difficult taking a pic of yourself.

Jack the Wonder Kitten enjoying a roll in the mild weather.

Thank You

2008-02-18T09:16:00.002-05:00

I have been "Navel Gazing" (I cannot take credit for that phrase-thank you Mighty Mighty LD)-immersed in my own personal drama not Naval Gazing which would be looking at cute sailors and need to send out a shout of thanks to my Peeps. I am at home today, the Battle Beetle is sick and needed to be taken to the shop for repairs, so I figured I could utilize my time by thanking the people who have been so kind to me. I've discovered that I need to develop some objectivity, cease the self destructive negativity and just BREATHE. I do not suck. It's true that I have some issues running, some changes that I need to make on a personal level in order to move forward in life but that doesn't mean I have to get caught up in the drama. Lesson learned. Sending hugs and love to my Crew!

The Suck-age continues....

2008-02-14T20:31:00.004-05:00

Bad day today... have been working my gymnastic routine like nobody's business...CEO tells me-new carpeting and painting by March 1... bend over backwards to find contractors...get two bids...go thru purchasing and I quote..." These bids..um...aren't reputable enough"...have to tell CEO that I suck (even tho carpeting quote has come from folks who have done the White House and BWI)...am following guidelines given to me by boss, MUST go thru incompetent Purchasing Dept (who by the way doesn't know who the CEO of company is.. must explain to Head of Purchasing who CEO IS..this is funny, really)...am trying my hardest and have to tell CEO that what he wants can't happen...CEO responds with "it's OK what's the time fame from Purchasing Dept?"... respond with, God help me, "I don't know?"...do you have any idea how shitty I feel? My hands are tied and I feel like an idiot. I AM the Go To Girl and see I'm failing miserably, I am trying so hard and I can't make it work..I can make anything work and I can't manage to get this done...called contractors and tell them that I suck...bad day. Suspect that life underneath a rock would be good right about now. My suggestion, pull a crack head off the streets, make them some high ranking company official and roll with it baby, 'cause stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Because I suck...

2008-02-09T00:15:00.000-05:00

OK I've had a shitty week. Everything I touch falls to shit in seconds. 5:05 pm my boss comes out of his office for the first time all day, strolls up to my desk and in broken english says, "Thins are crazy right now. We'll talk more about this monday...you're getting a raise, 2.7 percent." and dashes back into his office. I am left speechless. See I must really suck to warrant such a horrific increase. I mean the cost of living goes up 9% and I get 2.7 %. Hell that won't buy my gas to get to work. I don't know what evil I must have perpetrated in a past life to warrant this? God help me, I've been trying to work it out all night long and cannot figure out what I've done. I've brought my A Game, made it look easy and this is the treatment I receive? I'm a bit perplexed, actually I've consumed much wine to dampen the sting. Am I really that bad? Do I suck THAT bad? Christ I wish someone had told me sooner so I could do something about it. So I'm sittin' here, sippin' some California chardonnay and wondering if I've pissed in God's corn flakes. I really must suck. Not the usual suck, but industrial strength suck...the kind that defies description.

See I try to be flexible, if I would've know how poorly I was doing, I would've made an effort to change. I know I have many flaws but I would've tried. I mean 2.7% is like going out for dinner and leaving a penny for a tip-what's the damned point? It's an insult. I think it's time I find employment elsewhere, because this is just too damned painful for words. I mean-Christ-why the hell didn't someone tell me I sucked so bad? I've worked the late hours, gone in on my days off, stayed when no one else would and still I fuck up. Please tell me, where have I gone wrong?

2008-02-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

Thankfully I made it through last week. When the World arrives in my office it is always grueling. I end up putting in three to four 14 hour days (preparing presentations submitted at the last minute by thoughtless vice presidents), taking care of the list of complaints from the 102 employees and other various stress inducing tasks.

I seem to be transfixed by a movie called "Dark City". It wasn't a popular movie but that has never stopped me from liking a film. It's about a man who wakes up with a fragmented memory. He chases brief flashes of insight throughout the "Dark City" in an attempt to make sense of his life. Jack seems to like the film too.

Adjusting to Change

2008-01-28T13:56:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been terribly moody. Like everybody else, I've got some issues I need to deal with and I fear losing weight. I've been overweight since the age of 9 and I don't mean a bit chubby-I mean obese. Since October of last year I've lost the weight of another human being (135 lbs)-I am not complaining about this transformation, simply stating that the rapid speed and amount I've lost have me a bit freaked out. For the first time in my life, clothing is too big-this is a major adjustment for me. I cannot recall being this "thin" not that I've reached waifdom yet (not my plan), I've got roughly 30 more lbs to lose and then I'll be at my target.
I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am anymore. In my mind I know that losing weight is good but there are times when this little voice inside of me asks, "Gee you've lost all this weight are you still you?". Part of me-being me-was the fat, the "right jolly old elf" if you will. I'm rapidly losing that fat, jolly old elf image and I don't know what to do with myself. For a good 20 years I always had a closet full of clothes on hand for when I'd gain/lose/gain weight. I took 4 bags of clothing to Goodwill over the weekend. Things that I will never wear again, now my closet is virtually empty. I used to look forward to winter because I could wear sweaters and not sweat. Now I'm constantly cold. I actually went out and bough thermal t shirts to wear underneath my sweatshirts and PJ's so I don't get chilly. I went out and bought a girly, fuzzy blue robe (that I wear over the thermals and PJ's)-why? Because it's soft and furry. I'm becoming a girl and it's a strange place to be lol.

I can no longer hide in food or alcohol- physically it's impossible. I get lit on 2 glasses of wine and can't eat refined sugars or fatty foods. I have tried eating sugar (white sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, corn syrup, high fructose cory syrup etc-natural sugar found in fruit is fine) and have made myself violently ill. The same goes for fatty foods, anything over 12 g per serving and I end up with severe stomach cramps and a rotten case of the trots. I must reiterate that I'm not complaining, in fact I am grateful that I was lucky enough to have this surgery. It really has altered my life for the better (must admit I do miss Popeye's chicken and biscuits though and there are moments when I'd sell my soul for a chicken fried steak). I don't think I prepared myself to embrace this much change in such a short period of time.

I knew but I didn't really know.

Lazy Sunday

2008-01-27T11:21:00.000-05:00

*singing with Mister Dylan* Everybody knows that baby's got new clothes, but lately, I see her ribbons and her bows have fallen from her curls, she takes just like a woman, yes she does, she makes love just like a woman yes she does....but she breaks just like a little girl...

"Meet the Spartans" was a riot, pure mindless fluff that I thoroughly enjoyed. At times, laughed so hard I cried. If you've seen "300", "Stomp the Yard", and "Shrek 3" you'll get this film. The guy playing Leonidas (in Meet the Spartans) does a fabulous impersonation of Gerard Butler-too damned funny for words. Hellboy 2 will be coming out this summer and I'm looking forward to my boyee del Torro's next installment.
Did a bit of shopping (nothing really fits anymore) and watched a lovely french film by the divine Luc Besson called "Angela". Released in 2005 it's in black & white and very nicely done-worth a see if you enjoy his work-God bless Netflix!

Am chasing the blues by doing the domestic thing today. Detoxed the microwave, cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed the oven and stove...I'm a vortex of cleaning products. Have finished the laundry and will move on to ironing shortly. I suppose it's my way of working off nerves for next week's fun fest.

2008-01-26T09:16:00.000-05:00

Had a rather light hangover yesterday, too much red wine. The upcoming week will be rocky at best. Spain and Canada will be coming in for our monthly festivities and there's no room at the inn. To add another log on the fire, there is a large training class too...I really need to rethink my career path. It's not fun anymore.

On to brighter things...it's saturday, I'm going to see the spoof "Meet the Spartans" which will provide much needed laughs and I live for a good silly film. Plus I can't find anything wrong with watching scantily clad, buff men running 'round the screen wearing leather undies-I'm a freak, I know.

It's a hard, it's a hard....

2008-01-24T20:25:00.000-05:00

Am listening to the immortal words of Bob Dylan-GOD whattaguy??!! Where have you been my blue eyed son? Where have you been my darling young one? Have consumed a bit of Jumilla-that is a divine red wine from Spain...mmm mmmm good. Feeling a tad lonely, next week will be brutal and I don't know if I can handle a resounding round of indifference from the spuds at work. I bring my A Game, my full gymnastics routine and flop. It's hard for the psyche. What did you meet my blue eyed son and who did you meet my darling young one....? It's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard rainnnnnns gonna fall...I'm feeling lost, hence the Bob Dylanesque theme... I'm in a job; isolated at the end of a hallway, with... God help me... engineers. I have a knack for finding impossible situations, this would be one of them. Which begs the question...why do I choose situations like this? Is there some kind of sado-masochistic thing in me that needs to be pulverized? exorcised? I miss humanity, people that talk to me, communication, collaboration...instead I find myself using a translation web site to talk to people because I cannot figure out how to pronounce the Spanish language. Is this an indication that I'm a loser?

Instead of taking off on sunday and monday, I worked-there were 103 incoming e mails for me-I had no choice. I think I need to find a new career.
The problem is...where do I excel?

Random Thoughts

2008-01-18T20:26:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting week. I came down with a nasty gastro-intestinal virus and am certain that my toilet is now a deeply personal friend of mine. We've experienced so much over the last several days. Have been gushing fluids from my body since tuesday and will probably be run over by a train load of work next week. Was supposed to go to Camp L for a skiing trip but have chosen to stay home and work the holiday on monday to avoid the wreckage of missing 4 days of work. Jack the Wonder Kitten has been in "hover" mode; diligently standing guard on the lip of the tub during violent evacuation sessions, curling up next to me under the covers to lend his warmth and purring most welcome comfort. Felt better today and went to Jersey to have my hair cut and did a brief shopping excursion with Baby Sister. Had a wonderful time and am now down to a size 16 (prior to surgery I wore a 28). It's a strange place to be, I can't remember being this thin. I actually have a visible collar bone and only one chin. Will post pics soon I promise, am tired.

Public Humiliation 101

2008-01-07T19:43:00.000-05:00

There are times when I sincerely question my role on this planet...I suspect I am some twisted form of comic relief and that somewhere out there, somebody is giggling hysterically at my antics....

Saturday...plans to meet Mighty Mighty LD to celebrate his B-Day..I'm excited so I decide to take a nap so I can stay up late and party...bad decision, I wake up at 8:15 pm and I'm supposed to meet him at 9 in DC...it's OK, I can make this work, fly through the shower, call LD to let him know I'm on my way to the Metro station (about 30 min away from Granola-ville)...I get to lovely rain filled Montgomery county and anyone who knows me, and knows me well, is aware that I have absolutely no sense of direction. I get lost easily, I'm not sure why, I just do. The directions that I'd carefully gotten from Mapquest before I left are wrong. I end up near Adventist Hospital...call LD tell him I'm frightfully lost will find gas station and see if they can tell me 1. where am I??? and 2. where the hell is the damned Metro station????...it gets worse...find gas station (inside I'm shouting because something has finally gone right on this rainy icky night) and my tummy starts to rumble...walk in the station and ask to use the lady's room...get high school hall pass sized key chain and trundle to the rest room...answer the call of nature...walk outside and in a graceful fashion trip stepping down from the curb...but wait...there's more...The Fickle Finger of Fate was pointed at me and I sprain my ankle, it makes an audible pop as I land on it...people come rushing out of the gas station...I am, in a word, completely humiliated, truly I need an audience on this cold and rainy night, lost and disoriented, like a wounded Mastodon I try to regain my footing, no dice, my ankle is puffed up like a softball and the store manager, being the upright citizen that he is, calls an ambulance...yeah I need flashing lights and a blaring horn to highlight my lack of grace. The EMTs arrive and suggest x-rays because the size of my ankle has increased and looks kinda nasty. They load me into the ambulance...and take me to the hospital where I had been lost...I get the giggles...this is truly sick. I get lost, try to find my way out and end up back where I started, truly the Universe doth have a sense of humor. I look at my watch, it's midnight and I doubt I'm going to be able to meet LD for those very much needed cocktails. I go for x-rays-no break, just a bad sprain but I can't drive my car due to the melon sized foot I'm dragging around so the hospital calls my sister who lives nearby..*sigh* she arrives around 2 am, all sleepy, cranky and God I would've killed to have a drink at that moment. We go back to her house, I take a pain pill, pack my foot in ice and pass out. I wake up around 10:30 am to the screams of my nephew (he's in a wailing stage when he sees "strangers" namely me). I long to stick a fork in my eye and pray for a quick, painless death...nothin' doing. I am subjected to wailing nephew, sweet niece and mentally unbalanced brother-in-law for the next several hours. The swelling has gone down and my ankle no longer resembles a basketball, we go to CVS and get an ankle brace. At 2 pm she drops me at my car and I return home, pop some Tylenol and sleep. I am feeling like an idiot at the moment. I missed a very important day for my friend. Mighty Mighty LD I wish you a wonderful new year, filled with good health and prosperity.

It's Thursday

2008-01-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

OK, it's thursday, 2:56 pm and I've just gone to lunch. Somehow I have unconsciously crossed time zones and have gone all kinds of Spanish. Thankfully it's been a slow week-everybody is on holiday except for me and the VP of Finance. Am looking forward to the weekend, will hook up with Mighty Mighty LD to celebrate his B-Day-should be interesting to say the least.

I've decided to make some changes in 2008. I plan on moving to DC, have lost a total of 130 lbs in roughly one year(and still counting-will post pics soon I promise), have intentions to become more socially active because living the life of a recluse just isn't my bag baby, will try to quit smoking AGAIN-hopefully this time it will stick, am learning Spanish so I can be a better Office Goddess than I already am (I think this will place me on the Mount Oylmpus of Office Management), and finally I am going to make a concerted effort to not be so hard on myself. Become more forgiving and accepting of my many faults and flaws. I had no idea I was so perfectionistic-hit me like a 2x4 in the back of the head one day after Christmas while putting the office Holiday decorations away, meticulously wrapping breakables in tissue paper-D'UH! I can be a little dense every now and then. I am embracing my humanity and silently telling myself that I must first fail in order to learn the lessons that life has to offer. I did not spring like Athena from the head of Zeus (her father), fully formed, all knowing and it's OK that I am not Athena. I'm more like Hermes anyway lol Jeeze I'm waxing all kinds of mythological Greek, must be the stuffed grape leaves I had for lunch.

Note to self...

2007-12-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

1. Do not drink half a bottle of champagne and then make really bad oatmeal applesauce sugar free cookies-just not a good idea...on the brighter side...Happy New Year from Jack-in-the-Box!!

Happy New Year and other Musings

2007-12-31T21:10:00.000-05:00

It has been far too long since I last posted. I've had a bit of bubbly and wish all readers a safe and prosperous New Year. My resolution this year is to devote myself to career, like the Divine Kate Blanchet in "Elizabeth" I will have one mistress and no master...I am wedded to my job for the moment. Speaking of my job I feel compelled to share...

Several weeks ago, there was a huge, and I do mean HUGE meeting in my office. Spain and Canada had been called down for this important board meeting (we're talking CEO, suits galore-it was-MASSIVE) and there I am. Running 'round the office like a chicken with my head cut off, bringing on my full gymnastics routine, my A game and every ounce of energy I had. In the midst of the mayhem, my boss, (we shall call him F) appraoches me and asks for beverages (I'd forgotten to unlock the fridge in the board room where the sacred stash of bevvies is located). Being the dutiful servant that I am I race to the fridge and crouch down (in an elegant fashion, I am after all wearing heels and a skirt) and proceed to unload the fridge...suddenly I am gripped by a spell of dizziness (I'd forgotten to eat anything-D'OH)...and in the midst of this almightly meeting I plop over like a Weeble. This would be in front of the CEO, President, 8 Vice Presidents, Chairman of the Board and various visiting foreign dignitaries...yes I lose my balance and plop over in an unbalanced mess. I feel the eyes of the CEO upon me with a questioning glance (I can see in his eyes, "What the fuck is her probelm?")...my boss peers over from his padded executive chair and looks at me...I blush and instantly wish for the fastest death possible...now all eyes are upon me. F clears his throat and offers me his arm...I trundle to my feet in a clumsy fashion wishing desperately for the grace of a gazelle and failing miserably regain my footing. I excel in many things, public humiliation is one of them. Let it be said that I am capable of making an entrance, not necessarily a graceful one, but a memorable one to be sure.

I hope this has brought a smile or at least a giggle to you. Have a safe New Year's and all my best wishes.

Memories & Beowolf

2007-11-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

Went to the Mall today. Got there terribly early because I'm pathologically afraid of being late. The shops weren't open yet so I sat, drinking my diet Coke and watched people. Normally I avoid the Mall, I detest crowds, plus holiday shopping becomes a showcase for the worst manners that human beings display (rather ironic-it's supposed to be a season of "peace on earth, goodwill to man"-ever hit the parking lot of a shopping center 3 days before Christmas?). So...I go to the Mall, park myself and what does my wandering eye see? A line of children and parents lining up in front of Santa's Workshop. This touches me with a twinge of sadness because deep down, I have always wanted to have my picture taken with Santa. As dearly as I loved my Mom, she never had the patience and my father was too damned cheap but I can remember as a child how I really wanted to sit on Santa's knee and tell him all the gifts I wanted that year. Never had the chance. I can remember one year my grandfather dressed up as Santa (at the time I thought he WAS the real deal) and to this day I will never forget the joy and wonder seeing Father Christmas in my living room. I miss the childlike glee, racing downstairs to see what's under the tree; smelling my Mom's Buckwheat pancakes (a Christmas morning delight), and the anticipation on Christmas eve, wondering if I'll ever hear those reindeer hooves on the roof?

Memories like Christmas, are special. It's not about the price tag or the amount of gifts that are received..it's about the creation of a memory which can never be taken away, won't break, won't run out of batteries or go out of fashion. As an adult, one of my fondest memories is from the Chistmas after my Mom died. We all gathered at my baby sister's house and I made the stuffing for the turkey (I was the only one who got the recipe from Mom). I had a terrible cold that year and sounded remarkably like Vin Diesel. I mixed the bread cubes, celery, onions and sage. I cook by sense of smell, not very orthodox but usually I'm spot on-this year however, I couldn't smell a thing and kept adding sage, more sage, and more sage to the stuffing until it was a lively shade of green. It was horriffic yet, my family, bless them, ate it. I sit here giggling about it and the loving way my family gives me shit, "Do you remember that year of Should I Add More Sage to the Stuffing...?" Sends us all into fits of laughter, good memories.

Onto Beowolf...interesting concept, enjoyed the movie, loved the story but disliked the RAMPANT Photoshopping of the entire cast...took away from the performances. When I see a film, I want to see dirt, grime, wrinkles, zits, farts etc...I don't want to see the cover of Cosmo. It's a bummer that they chose that particular route to take with such a wonderful hero story. Instead of firey performances it was a big screen filled with CGI expressionless statues. Wait for the rental.

idiocy

2007-09-25T20:01:00.001-05:00

I am an idiot. I just put my iPod through the wash *sigh*

I'll be dancin' on a pony keg

2007-09-23T18:56:00.000-05:00

I'm sittin' here listin' to the late, great, Mister Johnny Cash, the Folsom recordings. I am struck by the honesty in the man's voice...what a loss to the music industry. He was a legend, we will not see the kind of artist he was again. Like lightening in a bottle his craft is unquestioned and just as volatile.

Paging Miss Sher to the white courtesy phone

2007-09-15T18:59:00.000-05:00

Sher, I've lost your damned number. Please send it to me at my yahoo addy.

I'm All Right

2007-09-10T20:55:00.001-05:00

Sher,

I'm all right, just busier than God at the moment. Can't chat on line at work, the Internet Police have put the nix on MSN and Yahoo. I'll try giving you a call this weekend. No worries, I'm hanging in there. Miss you hon!!! HUGS HUGS HUGS

2007-08-14T12:32:00.000-05:00

I thought things were going to improve. Somehow, it's just not working out that way. I'm beginnign to wonder if that light at the end of the tunnel is actaully daylight or perhaps it's an on coming train? Beam me up Scotty!

For Miss Sara, On Her Wedding Day

2007-08-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

Sara,

I met you as you started your university studies and have watched you grow into a fine young woman. I am so sorry that I could not be there to celebrate your special day, I really wanted to be there for you. May you always be surrounded with love, laughter and joy. I wish you both unlimited prosperity and kindness. Enjoy your honeymoon and your new life together!!!! HUG HUGS FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you.

A Moment Of Silence Please

2007-08-02T16:45:00.001-05:00

Just found out Tommy Makem died today. He was a fine performer and a wonderful showman. His humor and voice will be missed.

"Oh all the comrades that e'er I've had, they are sorry for my going away
And all the sweethearts that e'er I've had, they would wish me one more day to stay
But since it falls unto my lot that I should rise and you should not
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call good night and joy be with you all"

-The Parting Glass-Tommy Maken & The Clancy Brothers

Happy Birthday

2007-08-02T08:14:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday, I am now 40 years old. I sit here at my desk, eatting a breakfast of Ramen noodles (I know-gross but it's my birthday, I forgot breakfast and it was the only thing in the vending machine I could eat) contemplating what being 40 means. I always thought that this would be a landmark birthday, doves would be released and planes would fly over head sky-writing "Happy Birthday" -well not not really but it would be a fun thing to do for a someone. I don't feel old, aside from some minor back pain this morning, I feel fit as a fiddle. I did however start smoking again which will stop shortly.
So, back to my original question...what does it mean to be 40? I've reached a point in my life where "what you see is what you get". In other words, I'm not gonna be anything but myself-accept me as I am-bottom line. I haven't got the time or the patience for those head games little kittens play. I've made many mistakes and done a few things to people that I love and respect, things that I regret. I am not evil, I'm human and prone to random acts of stupidity. I am a good, kind, intelligent woman who over the years has been blessed with a loving family and good friends. (This is not germain to the topic but I thought I'd throw it out there-I could really use a piece of sugar free brithday cake lol). I no longer believe that age has any relevancy to anything...the magic, is...it's all your state of mind.

So I send a shout out of Thanks to all the Happy Birthday wishes!!

Buh Byeeeeee

2007-07-26T14:02:00.000-05:00

Ok folks I'm heading to the mountains for a long weekend. I'll be off line tomorrow and will bring back lots of pics to share. Y'all have a splendid weekend!

A Little Night Poetry

2007-07-25T21:21:00.001-05:00

Longfellow's Children's Hour

Apologies

2007-07-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

It's wednesday-Hump Day-The Universal Signal to the 9-5 crowd that the weekendend is in sight. I'm going away to the Mountain house with my sister and her family. I need some peace and there's nothing more peaceful than floating around on an inner-tube on a pond in the summertime. Lately I've been focused on what I don't want in my life (see below posts if you're curious). Perhaps it's time to focus on what I do want. So while I'm away I'm going to wrap my brain around things (not physical items) I need to survive, to live a life I can be proud of, to have some peace of mind. I know that I've been down right miserable and I would like to apologize for my poor behaviour. This is a transitionary phase for me and I'm not handling the pressure very well. I've been a bit stressed. That is not a plea for sympathy-please do not misunderstand. Allow me to explain:

I've lost 110 lbs in 9 months-this is the weight of another human being

Have started 2 new jobs and have found no joy in either positions

For the first time in my life I wake up in the morning wondering what the hell I'm going to wear because none of my clothes fit (stupid-but the truth is, that scares me a little). It's a place I've never been-it's because everything is too big-this should be a joyful experience yet I find myself a little freaked out.

I'm afraid...bottom line. Being a creature of routine, my life has been turned upside-down over the past several months. Things that I took for granted as "normal" have become obsolete and I'm fumbling to find my footing. I'm wondering if the dinosaurs felt this way when they spotted the first mammals? Did they know the power of evolution? Will I rise like a Phoenix from the ashes? Yes, of course I will. I transform-that's what I do best. I just have to remind myself to be patient and not get bogged down in frustration.

Random Thoughts

2007-07-24T08:45:00.000-05:00

Am massively hung today. Consumed ENTIRELY too much wine last night and have come to the realization that I should cut back on the sauce. Drunk dialed a friend and my old boss. I vaguely recollect what we talked about but it's all a chardonnay haze at the moment. Why is it, do you suppose, why is it that we stay in situations that make us miserable? Is it to learn a lesson? Is it because we get comfortable in the discomfort? Perhaps to stop the masochistic tendencies-it solves nothing and serves no purpose to make oneself miserable. Is it a precursor to a leap of faith, some kind of sign post stating, "It's OK to jump-NOW!" Or am I just pushing wind here? God, I need to shut my mind off for a while.

Oh an entirely different note-I got the new Harry Potter book last night-I'm embracing being an Uber Geek lol

Linkin Park to the Rescue

2007-07-23T19:29:00.000-05:00

*sings* I've become so numb...the Bea Cave has magically transformed into a really wicked mosh pit and I imagine myself crowd surfin' with the best of 'em.... Have had another day of isolation at work and after popping the cork on a mighty fine bottle of wine (Australian Chardonnay called Tin Dog-if you can get it-do so-it's a nice crisp treat), I've come to some truths:
Truth- I cannot handle isolation-I need contact and human interaction
Truth-I cannot handle traffic-this does not mean I'm a weak person-I become evil after sitting in grid lock and I end up cursing all drivers from Virginia because they've got shitty driving habits-yes I do sincerely believe all VA drivers should be forced to turn in their licenses- the far left lane is reserved for those of us who drive mach 5 with our hair on fire not those who cruise at 45 mph-get over it-it's not "Make Your Own Lane Day"
Truth- I will alwaya have debt-there will always be bills to pay and it's pointless to spend my time worrying about paying bills
Truth- Popcorn is yummie after consuming large amounts of wine
Truth-I require some peace in my life, I deserve time to recharge my batteries. I am worthy of a disconnect every now and then.
Truth- Linkin Park should be played at the loudest decibal possible-loud enough to make the mirrors of your car vibrate

Technical Difficulties

2007-07-23T10:58:00.001-05:00

Ok there were some issues with audio blogging so I had to remove my singing to Sher...not that this is in any way tragic but I'm not sure if I can continue doing audio blogs using Hipcast which does bum me out.

Happy Sunday

2007-07-22T07:51:00.000-05:00

Yawning Cat is my baby sister's. His name is Pumkin. On the right The Wonder-Kitten, Jack.

2007-07-21T20:16:00.000-05:00

SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH....listen......

*sings* I stood in this unsheltered place...'til I could see the face behind the face.....all that had come before had left no trace...down by the railway sign..in our secret world we were colliding...in all the places were were hiding love...what was it we were thinking of?

Peter Gabriel ROCKS...OK so I've had a bit of wine...am feeling mighty fine...and amazingly can rhyme

LMAO

There are times that I break myself up. This would be one of those occasions.

Had din last night with good friend, J. Nice food, good wine and conversation. Will miss her when she goes. Had a productive day of laundry, cleaning and throwing stuff away. Watched a DVD from Netflix "Texas Ranch House" (because I NEED to embrace my inner geek for documentaries from PBS). Attempted to figure out the damned software of My Space because I've got a place over there that I forgot about and spent the day having fits of frustration. Why? Although I have worked for some high tech software companies I have yet to figure out the My Space programming and am feeling...searching for the right phrase-oh screw it-I'm feeling mildly retarded because I'm a college graduate and can't figure out the damned My Space profile software. Does that put me on a moron intelligence level or what? Maybe it's the wine...chardonnay by a California vineyard called "Pure" and it is, for lack of a better term, mighty fine. I can only get it in New Jersey near my sister's house so whenever I go to visit I purchase a mixed case (chardonnay, shiraz and sauv blanc). Yep I'm a wino-do I care-no, it tastes good so bite me.

*sings* did you think you didn't have to choose it...I alone could win or lose it...in all the places we were hiding love...what was it we were thinking of? In this house of make belive, divided in 2 like Adam and Eve...you put out and I receive....did you think you didn't have to choose, I alone could win or lose it...all the places we were hiding love...what was it we were thinking of? (DIVINE bass solo-crowd noises etc-this is where the 14 foot projection screen revolves with a massive strobe light cue that in all honesty, can make one cream one's jeans) oh the wheel is turning, spinning round and round and the house is crumbling but the stairways stand.... with no gulit, no shame, no sorrow or pain.....whatever it is, we are all the same...

I have a nasty habit of breaking into song every now and then, especially after consuming some vino

Yes that's a pic of me, wearing my Bose noise cancelling headphones...if you have the $$$$ to invest I would HIGHLY reccomend this purchase...listening to music on my iPod with these babies is a religious experience. If you're gonna have toys, invest in the best baby.

"...what was it we were thinking of..."

2007-07-20T14:29:00.000-05:00

I'm going out to din tonight with a good friend, she is moving to Alaska. I've known her for 6 years and this will be the last time I see her for a long, long time.

I've been going through a heavy Peter Gabriel phase musically speaking. So much so that I went out and bought "Secret World" (the concert video made from his "Us" album). For some reason I can't stop watching it. It's not the best concert video ever shot, and I'm certain it's not his finest performance ever but there's something in the music that speaks to me and it helps to ease the fog a bit. When things get really bad, I pop in the DVD and strangely feel comforted. Maybe it's the music? Or perhaps the routine of something familiar? In my head I wonder how the lighting and scene cues were called...really...I sit there staring at the screen wondering...hmmm how the frig did they tech this thing? How much does that 14 foot double-sided revolving screen weigh and what kind of truss is up there supporting it? I wonder who's beneath the stage tugging on the phone cord that keeps Mr. Gabriel upright during the opening of "Talk to Me" when he strolls out of the telephone box? Did the stage hands have fun with it and jerk him around (literally)? Strange shit that only a former stage hand would wonder about, probably shit that no one else would be concerned with-they'd be more into the songs and musicians. Nope, me, I'm wondering how many trucks were used on that tour. I know, I'm not normal.

Peter Gabriel is a stud muffin though... gotta admire a man who is so in touch with his feminine side and can do a nasty bump and grind in front of thousands of fans. But seriously, I respect his artistic integrity and amazing lyrics.

What Spirit Animal Are You? Because You NEED to take more fun quizzes!!

2007-07-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

Your Score: The Wolf

Here's your results! Your spirit animal has a Nobility ranking of 12 out of 18.

Your spirit animal is the wolf. It is a ferocious companion, and a loyal friend. It is both a respectable and noble creature; to have this spirit animal says good things about you, and that you are starting to figure things out. Wolves are pretty rare spirit animals.

Just call me "Dances with Bea-Wolves"

Link: The What is Your Spirit Animal Test

Angst Continues...

2007-07-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

I'm still in that "Grey Area Place". You know that spot where you're unsure, confused and generally go from day to day in some kind of deep-sub-conscious-thought-induced haze. Lately I've been battling insomnia, last night I was able to fall asleep by 12:30. I've been awake until 2am most of this past week. Much on the mind, ya know, the whole "direction of my future" thoughts. Because working in an office is just not my bag baby. I envy people who come out of the womb and know exactly what they want to do, and then spend the next 50 years doing it-Christ that's got to be an easy feeling. I mean how do they know? Does an angel whisper it to them in a dream? Is there some hidden billboard which is visible to them and not to fools like me who flop around like a landed fish trying to figure out what to do with my life? I keep thinking that if I make my mind quiet enough, some inner voice (like James Earl Jones in The Lion King) will boom out of the darkness offering profound career advice on the next phase of my adventure. At the moment, nothin'...squat...nodda...silencio...I can hear damned crickets chirping in the twilight fields of my mind. How can one know anything without first trying it? It's one thing to research the hell out of a career choice but it's an entirely different experience to actually do it.
Ok so after I graduated from college (that would be when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and wooden underwear was all the rage), I've worked in theatre, health care, credit cards, God's Waiting Room Attendant, Office Goddess in the Technology Field, Office Goddess in a FUBAR company, moving on to a Possible Interesting Experience in Glorified Babysitting (exec asst to VP of Sales). At the tender age of 21 I never anticipated this much flux in my career path. I'm not sure if anybody really can forsee this kind of roller coaster action. Not that I'm complaining-I'd take the roller coaster any day over the merry-go-round. It's been a hell of a ride so far. I've learned much and experienced all kinds of things ranging from the exhilarating to the deeply tragic. The crux of the matter is that I'm not sure what to try next...like being really hungry and standing at a huge buffet-what do you pick? the sweet or the savoury? that nice lamb chop or those interesting collard greens? or perhaps that steak or maybe a nice wedge of lasagna?

So many delightful and interesting things to try,
but which one will satisfy?
Now I'm waxing poetic...*sigh*

Have not come up with the answer yet and am wondering when the spirit will move me onto the next phase...it's a huge circular thing...here I am going all kinds of Lion King-any moment I'll break into a rendition of Elton John's "Circle of Life" complete with me scampering-Simba-like-down the damned office hallway into a large growth of hideous plastic plants...can life possibly get any better than this?

What Is Your Seduction Style?

2007-07-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

I would like to thank S for bringing on my addiction to Blogthings-click on the title link to see what kind of seduction style you have!

What Tarot Card Are You?

2007-07-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

Click the Title Link and check it out!!

The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.
You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.
You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.
Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.

Your fortune:

Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.
You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.
You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

I found this through S's Blog-thanks for the cool stuff!

Some Pics

2007-07-17T20:15:00.000-05:00

Jack being stealthy trying to stow away in my bag.

Me, not the best photo but certainly the most recent. Gosh you could land a plane on my forehead!

Jack looking all kinds of tough

Room of Your Soul

2007-07-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

Cruised over to S's blog and got this nifty link-check it out.

The Room of My Soul

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. (Is this really true???)

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Magic Number 8

2007-07-17T11:04:00.001-05:00

Miss Sara tagged me with this Meme...here's the scoop-8 random facts/habits that no one knows about you-tag 8 people at the end and pass the Meme Madness along...and away we go:

8-In my spare time I write sexy stories-strange but true and no I'm not telling anybody where I've been published-you'll just have to deal

7-The man that plays Michael Buble's "Lost" in a boom box outside my bedroom window in the rain like John Cusak in Say Anything is the man I marry. I doubt this man exists but it's a great dream isn't it??

6-I am secretly terrified of making mistakes-I lose sleep over shit because I wonder if I've made a mistake.

5-I push people away because I'm afraid they'll see all of my flaws and make fun of me

4-Alcohol hits my bloodstream 80% faster than it does for "normal" people

3-I am a candidate for Road Rage. I am the person in the far left lane going mach 5 with my hair on fire, swerving in and out of traffic...YEP that's me on your bumper now get outta my way....

2-I invent nicknames for my pets-for example Jack the Wonder Kitten is also known as-Softie, Kitten Chop, Buddy, Slinkie, Tuna Breath, Choppie Floppie, Kittenopolous, Chopalonius, and Baby.

1-On the outside I appear organized but deep down, I am a closet slob.

I'm not sure if I know 8 people to tag that still read my blog so here goes. I tag Mighty Mighty LD, Miss Sher, Rowan (if yer still on line chickie), CS (not sure if he's out there anymore) and anybody else who has stopped in and wants to play.

Happy Tuesday

2007-07-17T09:18:00.000-05:00

Today, interview at 2:00 pm-WHOO HOOO!!! Perhaps the gods will be smiling upon me today and I can end this minor hell I've encountered. Actually it's not all that bad. This may sound callous and cruel but yesterday a client got stuck in one of our elevators and I was called in to assist. When the girl came to tell me of the unfortunate circumstance I giggled at my desk, couldn't help it. Then as I stood in front of the elevator I wanted to say "Pop question...." (quoting from the movie Speed at the opening of the movie when Jeff Daniels has Mr. Reeves dangling so effortlessly above a stopped elevator) but I thought better of it and helped the maintenence man get the doors open. The fact that no one in this office found the Speed reference funny disturbs me or perhaps I am the disturbed one? Maybe it's a sign that I need to get the frig outta here? Jury's still out...

PS-thanks for the phone call last night Mighty Mighty LD-helped put things in perspective for me-you rock on with your bad self man!!

Good God!

2007-07-16T09:08:00.001-05:00

I have been away for far too long. The new job has been or is rather, a disappointment and after much soul searching, it's not my bag baby. I've discovered that I do not thrive in office environments, in fact, it kills me. So my mind has been focused on other career options. I could go back into theatre; stage management is the last frontier that I haven't entered. But the more I think about stage management and a life in theatre I discover that it doesn't appeal to me anymore. I don't want to constantly be looking for work. The travel might have been fun when I was younger but now doesn't appeal to me. I do not want to be nursemaid to actors and am tired of carrying the burdeon of responsibility. In all hoensty, I'd like someone to look after me the way I've looked after others for all these years. Recently I've made some collossal career blunders. I've been told that it's a learning process but I feel like someone who has gone over Niagra Falls without the protective barrel. I would like to have a deep sense of satisfaction from my job, don't need to make more money than I could ever possibly spend but I would like to be happy. Not Snoopy dancin' but something close to that and these days I spend many nights consuming frightening amounts of wine to dull the ache of just existing in time and space. I've misplaced my compass and am wondering how do I regain something that I've lost?
Have been thinking a lot about writing. Perhaps one of the reasons that I've been so misearble is because I haven't been blogging. It was something that I enjoyed. Not that I aim for Hemmingway or Stephen King standards but there is something theraputic in writing. Something soothing about the clack of the fingers on the keyboard, the rhythm of the words flowing out of the mind and onto the page/computer screen. The mad giggles when something strikes me and I'm able to put it down and share it with others.
BUT...
Do I have the courage and creativity to pursue this as a career? Do I have the strength to take rejection? Do I have the stamina to continue? More importantly-am I creative enough to do it? It's not about the money-it's about the story-the people-the mad typing at 4am because something hit me and I've gotta get it down-even if it doesn't work into the story I might be able to use it somewhere else... who knows? Do I have delusions of grandeur-no, I don't want to be The Best, I'd settle for being happy.
SO...
I ponder and ponder and ponder. Because I really don't want to botch up again career wise. I am tired of being unsatisfied and miserable. This is no way to live a life, I don't know how anybody manages to maintain their sanity doing a job that isn't remotely enjoyable. Well I do know how one can manage, with alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.

Good News

2007-04-18T11:02:00.000-05:00

I GOT A NEW JOB....let me reiterate...I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry had to gush because I AM SO FREAKIN' HAPPY!!!!!!!! I will be executive admin to a CEO (he's from Spain and is righteous)and 2 VPs AND it's a really nice office. Chowda's fiancee works there and I spoke to him last night. Things are looking up. It will be a longer commute but I can move closer-not a problem. It's just a huge relief to know that I will never have to experience end of quarter madness ever again. I've been floating all morning.

ICK!

2007-04-09T15:47:00.000-05:00

I'm home sick today. Jack the Wonder Kitten has been hovering and hasn't broken a 3 foot radius around me all day which tells me that I'm good at hiding things from people but can't hide the truth from my faithful feline companion. I feel like shit. Want to sent a shout out to Row-thanks for the phone call at work I'm sorry I wasn't better company.

I was supposed to be on a flight to Logan airport in Boston right now, on my way to corporate for training; just couldn't muster the strength for it this morning. Instead have been cat napping (with Sweet Tuna Breath) on the sofa watching "Ultra Violet" non-stop since 7:45 am. I'm not sure why I can't stop watching this film...maybe it's because I don't feel well? Who knows but I keep hitting replay whenever I wake up from a fever induced nap. Jack stretches, yawns, I momentarily become engaged in the action and then drift off to the land of Nod. I don't want to be alone and sick.

2007-03-30T16:26:00.000-05:00

It's 5:27 pm EDT and I'm still at work. I'll be here until midnight processing incoming orders...I am the only woman in the office and fear that I will somehow contract testosterone poisoning. If i start walking with a manly swagger, adjust myself in public, start chewing with my mouth open and occasionally spew food at the dinner table please call the nearest hospital and get me treatment. *sigh* it's going to be a loooooonnnnnnngggggg night.

Bit of a Rough Patch

2007-03-28T12:29:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd check in during my lunch break...things are a bit rocky at the moment. At 5 min to 5pm yesterday I found out (by accident) that both of my sales teams were heading out for cocktails and I'd not been invited. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me.

The Plunge-Yet Again

2007-03-27T12:14:00.000-05:00

Ok last night, I did IT! Worked up the nerve and am now a member of Onion personals (thank you Mighty Mighty LD). I'm still working on my profile and am looking forward to the fun. Have to hop off now and get onto my afternoon revenue conference calls. More later...

And so it begins...

2007-03-24T13:28:00.000-05:00

End of Quarter Madness has begun at work and next week will be my solo experience with the new position. I'm feeling more confident after receiving training but there's still a lot more to learn. I will be working long and late hours but I'll try to post.

Went to see "300" again this morning-lol. I know, I know, I know...let it GO Bea, just let it GO. Every time I see it there's something new, something that I missed and I like the fight sequences. Before the show began a woman walked in carrying her 2 year old daughter and I was rather shocked. This film is rated R-that means it's for big folks; there's beheadings, lots of blood, lots of violence and I'm not so sure a 2 year old should be viewing it. I fear for children being raised by parents with the IQs of grapes. As Ron White so aptly stated, "You can't fix stupid. There's no pill or surgery that can alter stupidity."

It's cold, damp and icky here and I want some spring weather pronto. It's invigorating when green grass shoots up from the ground and geese can be heard making their treck back north. Jack the Wonder Kitten has a wicked case of spring fever and has begun dashing 'round the apartment like some mini crazed tiger. I'm longing to plant flowers on my patio and can't wait to see gardens in bloom.

Fortune Cookie

2007-03-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

The message in my fortune cookie last night.

"Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards."

Scary...but true.

St. Patrick's Wrap Up

2007-03-18T15:16:00.000-05:00

Actual transcript of my phone conversation with baby sister Kel yesterday....

(Irish music playing at Kel's house)
KEL*singing* : Whiskey whiskey, dancin' whiskey...
ME *laughing uncontrollably*: Are you trying to sing Whiskey whiskey, Nancy, whiskey??!!!!

This is the same woman who thought Golden Earring's Radar Love was "red-eyed love" until my brother-in-alcohol corrected her.

I love my sister, she's one of the most entertaining people I know.

Went to see another showing of "300" earlier today. This time I did not spend my time drooling over beefcake. Actually did not stare at Mister Butler's thighs the entire time. The fight sequences are really amazing and I like the grainy/gritty quality of the film (very similar to the way Sin City looked but not as film noir-in a Maltese Falcon kinda way). It's refreshing to see heros with wrinkles, scars, bad breath, and grunge...a reminder that flawed heros are the best kind.
**SPOLIER ALERT-STOP READING HERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE FILM**
My personal favorite scenes:
-when the Spartans are hunkered down defending the Hot Gates-Hoo Yah!!! (The first attack sequence-after the partial sinking of the Persian fleet-the "come and get it scene")
-the "stop action" fight sequences of Leonidas with the shield and pike, followed with an utterly graceful short sword work out

I think I'll go see Ghostrider tonight before the full impact of End of Quarter madness sets in and I become a blithering idiot. While snacking on pop corn I took note of some up coming films I'd like to see..

Pathfinder-because this girl can't get enough of men with swords hacking away at each other

The Reaping-I'm generally not a Hilary Swank fan but I have an affinity for apocalypse themed films (The Seventh Seal and Constantine are two of my favs). There's something about having faith and saving humankind that appeals to me.

Oh and the new Will Ferrell movie-the ice skating one-looks like complete nonsense and fluff-my kind of humor. Taladega Nights it just too damned funny for words!!

I've also been thinking about trying the on line dating thing again and I need some help from The Posse. Was wondering if y'all could e mail me with what you think are my best and worst traits-honesty would be deeply appreciated. I'm trying to write a profile and am having considerable difficulty being objective.

300-For the Ladies Only

2007-03-17T23:48:00.000-05:00

On a good piece of advice from Mighty Mighty LD I went to see Frank Miller's "300" tonight and I must say it was not a disappointment-that is if you enjoy watching buff, scanitly clad Spartan men go all kinds of cave man (OH.MY.GOD. banging head against desk). 30 minutes into the film I wanted all 300 to come to my house so I could give them bubble baths-it was-dare I say it-a religious experience and Gerard Butler who plays King Leonidas has thighs that must be seen to be appreciated. Ladies-if you don't mind an interestingly filmed action flick with a bit of grunge I would highly reccomend this piece of work. My ovaries went into overload and still haven't recovered (I had hot flashes when good King Leonidas flashed some buttock-had to fan myself).
The soundtrack is quite good (in fact I've got it playing as I type). Costuming wasn't purist Greek-but then again with the testosterone level of the film-who the frig really cares about about fabric draping when you can watch a football field of 6 pack abs and rock solid biceps? I'm going to see it again tomorrow.

Makes me wanna whip out my light saber and get down to business!

It's good to be home and The Pirate took excellent care of Jack the Wonder Kitten. I've got more training in April and will contact a pet sitting service. Don't feel right imposing on others and feel that I somehow indirectly bashed some of The Pirate's private schedule. It's a difficult adjustment, relying on others-not something that I'm used to. I always feel like I'm a pain in the ass.

Bye Bye Richmond

2007-03-15T17:42:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow my stay in lovely Richmond VA will end and I will return to Granola-ville in all of its politically correct crunchy goodness. Tonight's restaurant review-The Cracker Barrel-never having been to one I thought I should experience it once before I died. I now know why it is a favorite of the geriatric set- the food lacks flavour, presentation and it's cooked to death. I ordered the roast beef and got what I refer to as Yankee Pot Roast. There was a bright spot in the evening-the southern fried menu offered no sugar added apple pie with no sugar added vanilla ice cream. It's amazing what a little comfort food will do to brighten one's day. I felt almost normal after nibbling on the pie a la mode.

Can't wait to see my little-lump-a-sugar (Tuna-Breath-Jack) and sleep in my own space. Travelling is cool, interesting to see how others live, experience cultural differences etc. but I'm homesick and would really like to see a familiar happy face.

Random Thoughts

2007-03-14T18:39:00.000-05:00

I had dinner with Arthur again tonight however I refrained from consuming my fav (Kendall Jackson Cab) and chose instead a generic Woodbridge chardonnay. Tried to eat the worst grilled chicken salad known to human-kind but couldn't do it. Ate a dinner roll instead. There was no charming 3 year old to flirt with and I have sworn off menfolk for the rest of my life so I sat there and pondered in silence. Today was the last day of employment for a co-worker and even though I was out of the office I ordered lunch for her-why? Because I am a kind, thoughtful and generous soul. I was rather insulted that she didn't want me to buy her lunch, she felt like she was taking advantage of my generosity. I explained that there is no price tag on a good memory and that was my intention. To create a good memory out of a bad experience for her. So I spent some cash and wasn't in the office to partake of the goodies-sometimes that's not what life is about, sometimes there is more. I silently asked Arthur if he was in agreement with me, no response from the 8 foot mural-just like a wall painting-not a word! Yes I know I'm generous to a fault but in all honesty (and that's what this blog is about-being myself) is $26 really going to matter in the grand scheme of things-I mean it's not like I'm going out and spending buckets of ducats on bling and other fanciful stuff. Is there really a price tag on making someone happy? Rephrase that-lets go within reason-is there a price tag for making someone feel special? (Ruling out the secret wish for a Porche, 1 carat emerald cut dimaond ring, and a vacation house on the shore)

Moving on...
I'm missing Jack the Wonder Kitten something fierce. There is no replacement for the unconditional love, loud purring and small portable heat that he supplies. I feel like such a panty waist for admitting that a small orange fur ball has become the center of my universe. I actually went to a pet store and bought him gifts. Dorothy was right, there is no place like home and I want to be there now.

Richmond Continued

2007-03-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

OK I'm sitting beneath Arthur tonight (that would be Mister Ashe-tennis pro extraordinaire)-you know the 8 foot mural in the restaurant next to my hotel-anyway-after the wine I've consumed I feel certian that I will wake up tomorrow morning with a head that's been tapped with his 7 foot tennis racket.
Life in Richmond isn't too bad. Jack the Wonder Kitten is being cared for by The Pirate and for some odd reason I find this strangely comforting. The man has the sweetest smile (great laugh too) and I sense that beneath that Hollywood exterior there lurks the heart of a wonderful human being which is why I've entrusted him with the care of my most precious treasure (sweet Tuna-Breath-Jack).

Yep, am a tad tanked. One of the drawbacks of gastric bypass surgery is that alcohol enters your blood stream much faster. I now get almost blotto on 2 glasses of wine-needless to say I'm feeling mighty, mighty fine. Had the "cedar planked salmon" which was a bit disappointing however I did get to help The Pirate which made me feel good. See since I started "The New Position" I've been feeling rather useless, witless, brainless and rather down. I do know things, just not things that will help me with the new job. So if I can help someone it must mean that I am not a complete and utter brain case. I'm wired to assist, that's what I do. I'm a lifeline so it's rather disconcerting to be in need of one. Right now The Bee Gees are playing on my iPod telling me that they're Paying the Price of Love (nothin sez lovin' like the Brothers Gibb in my book) and I'm inspired to dance-I feel some Parking Lot moves coming on...beware...kick ball change...head flip and all that fun stuff. Don't think the Holiday Inn folks would appreciate my moves in the parking lot but the bus load of senior citizens might join in the fun...tricky indeed!
Moving on....
Yes I strayed... forgive me my stupidity
Bacon called on friday for a possible Booty Call and idiot that I am fell for it until he blew me off and cancelled. I am done with Breakfast Foods-NO MORE! I ask you gentle reader-what is a 30 something woman to do?
Drink heavily is what I came up with too, we must have a mind meld going on here.

I'm down with Bacon damnit! Menfolk are truly lovely to gaze upon...intriguing, witty, colorful but utterly beyond my comprehension (and I just finished a Carl Sagan book so this is some heavy shit we're talking about here).I give up, game over, beam me up Scotty!!!

Greetings from Richmond VA

2007-03-13T13:18:00.000-05:00

I'm in Richmond VA for training this week-oh what fun it is to ride in a lime green VW Bug! I'm booked in a lovely Holiday Inn Express with a massive king size bed lol I giggled when I saw it. I feel like I'm sleeping in a big cloud.

Training has been going well. Am beginning to feel like I might have some kind of a clue. Ate at a restaurant last night with a large mural of Arthur Ashe (the tennis pro) and drank a little too much wine with dinner. Kept staring at Mister Ashe wondering if he was gonna bonk me on the head with a 7 foot tennis racket...the things red wine will do to you... go figure.

Spent my lunch hour today at another restaurant flirting outrageously with a 3 year old boy. He mashed fries through his teeth, we giggled at a Silk soymilk commercial with talking cows and he blew kisses at me. It was a fun lunch and again had the strange urges to bear a child-what the hell is my problem?

I miss Jack the Wonder Kitten and can't wait to get home. There is no replacement for the friendship and comfort that only tuna-kitten-breath at 5:30 am can bring.

Big shout of thanks to Mighty Mighty LD and Les Canadiennes (sp?) for your unwavering support and love-THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would be out in the cold, flying blind without you.

4 Things You May Not Know About Me

2007-03-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

4 Things you may not know about me....
brought to you by Miss Sara-and I tag all of you reading this go post yours!

Four places I have worked:
1. HersheyPark
2. McDonalds
3. Weinberg Center for the Performing Arts
4. Parlights

Four places I have lived:
1. Waltham MA
2. Newark DE
3. Frederick MD
4. Shelbyville, IN

Four TV shows I love to watch (I cannot afford cable but when I had it):
1. Lost
2. The Original CSI (although Gary Sinese is a stud puppy)
3. Sex and the City
4. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Saint Johns Newfoundland
2. Roxbury, NY
3. Kissme FL
4. Ocean City, NJ

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Turkey Hill No Sugar Added Dutch Chocolate Ice Cream
2. BBQ beef brisket
3. any form of Thai food-except the deep fried stuff
4. Dungeoness (sp?) crabs

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On a beach with a cocktail in hand
2. in the mountains with a cocktail in hand
3. discussing life with Carl Sagan
4. snuggling with someone (other than Jack the Wonder Kitten and Pooh) in bed

Thought Some Humor Might Be In Order

2007-03-06T18:35:00.000-05:00

Got this from Sher and had to pass it along:

AN INTERESTING BUT NOT TOO SURPRISING STUDY....

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive
on a man can differ depending on where she is in her
menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she
is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged
in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
No further studies are planned

The Ides of March

2007-03-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

Things seem to be going from bad to worse in my neck of Granola-ville these days.

Yesterday, in the middle of doing my morning reports I snapped.
I sat there for 2.5 hours second guessing myself and wondering if I was ever going to adapt.
I'm stressed, I bite co-worker's heads off, have become a bit of a dragon and dislike myself very much by the end of the day. For fun factor this rates right up there with my mother's funeral and I don't want to live my life this way.
So I got up from my desk, packed up all my shit and hauled it out to the Battle Beetle-enough-game over-time to be the coward and run for cover (No I don't have another job lined up-this tells you the mental state I'm in). On my way back in for the second load (I have a lot of shit at my desk) I was stopped by a colleague hell bent on intervention. We spoke at length regarding my career woes which I will not air on this blog. During the First Intervention a District Manager from another department came over and asked to speak to me when I'd finished with Intervention #1. Did not want to go speak with District Manager but feld obligated because intrinsically, he's a good man and I've enjoyed working with him; you've gotta give everybody the benefit of the doubt.

Spoke to well meaning DM at length about career woes (was convinced to stay), went back to my desk, sat down, cried for 20 min (not easy for me to do, crying in public is not my bag baby), was interrupted by my boss trying to reach me by phone (which I didn't answer) and IM (which I did respond to in fragments and monosyllabic verbage), was interrupted by overjoyed work colleague who has gotten a new job offer (wanted to punch a hole through her chest-not really am glad she's leaving), and finally left the building.

Came home, did more crying-so much that I now resemble Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Spoke to concerned boss last night and will work on issues this week and next week. Am not feeling very positive about it, am losing faith big time and don't know where to go for help. Under normal conditions I can adapt rapidly but for some reason I'm having difficulty translating and moving forward. Haven't been able to digest a meal all week (total weight loss this week 7 lbs), am losing my hair because I'm not eatting enough protein, have been waking between 3:30 am-4 am, am dog assed tired by 4:00 pm and wondering if I haven't just made the biggest damned blunder in my life to date.

How can I help the people I support if I don't know what I'm doing. It's my job and I'm flying blind, m'aidez, m'aidez, m'aidez this is Bea requesting some fucking assistance m'aidez, m'aidez, m'aidez....

Random Thoughts

2007-02-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

Life has been rather hectic of late. The new position at work has been rather challenging and I'm ready to run screaming from the building. It's not what I'd imagined and I've spent the past several weeks dreading going into work. I haven't felt this horrible about a job for a long long time.

Embarassing moment at work last week:
I had meetings in Northern Virginia and a very kind finance manager offered to give me a lift down there since he was going to the same meetings. I was relieved because I loathe driving to our VA office. The DC traffic makes me insane. I generally book a hotel room and drive down the night before just to avoid being a stressed out mess from sitting in grid lock....so...at 5:30 am I'm at the work parking lot in crunchy good Granolaville. Bored out of my skull I grab my iPod/headset and exit The Battle Beetle. I crank up the volume and do a trapese act walking along the white parking space lines, wobbling ankles, arms outstretched I trundle along-oblivious to everything except my balance and the blasting tunes. Suddenly "C'Mon an Ride the Train" by the Quad City DJs comes chuggin' through the headset and I bust a move, layin' some wicked Bea dance moves through the empty lot (Sher and Sara can attest to my wicked groove having witnessed it several years ago live and in person). I'm slingin' my guns, doin' the train chigga chigga chigga chigga- having a blast in my own bass boosted planet-who the frig is gonna see me? It's like 5:30 am and ain't nobody in this neck of the woods 'cept da BeaMeista getting funky-no worries-right? My dress coat is flapping in the breeze, I'm feeling confident because I'm dancing in heels and Christina Aguliera's "Dirty" (the extended Tracey Young radio edit version) blisters my ears, I sing along thinking I can harmonize to Ms A's voice (yeah right)...
gonna get my girls...
getch yer boys (throw out right arm and point to invisible crowd at the other end of the parking lot)...
gonna make some noise...
gonna get rowdy (flip head)...
gonna get a little UN-RULY (kick-ball-change right leg-OH YEAH-CAN I GET AN AMEN?)...
get fired up in a hurry (left-ball change with attitude)...
Gonna get dirty, it's about TIME (flip head with gusto)...

I feel the need to dash (in a gazelle-like fashion) through the deserted parking lot pretending I'm in my own special music video. Lookin' cool, feelin good, got rhythm (or at least my semblence of rhythm which could in fact be mistaken for someone having a seizure I suppose) and I spin (ala Michael Jackson in his 80's apex) to my horror, there sits The Pirate (finance manager) in his vehcile staring at me like I've lost my mind. SHIT! NAILED with no place to hide. You see he'd called me before I got out of my car to tell me he'd be late in picking me up so I figured I had a bit of time to fuck around in the parking lot and twit that I am lost track of time. No graceful way out of this one. Embarassed dash to the passenger door, open it and mumble incoherent response to, "Were you dancing in the parking lot?"-for the next hour I wish for a quick and painless death because not only do I have to sit through an entire day of meetings with this man (turned into a 12 hour day by the way) I then have to ride back with him-yeah I know how to make an impression all right.

I've also been having strange longings to bear a child. I find this unnerving because I've never wanted children. I have no idea what the frig my problem is. Am losing sleep and have started the waking at 3 am routine again.

Been giving thought to moving to New Jersey to be closer to baby sister Kel and brother-in-alcohol John. I find I get lonely easily even with the company of Jack the Wonder Kitten. I don't really have any friends in Columbia, although I have managed to quasi of befriend The Pirate primarily because Chowda (before he moved on) asked me to look after him. Although after my Flashdance routine in the parking lot the other morning I have some doubts about kindling any form of friendship.

Hallelujah... Holy Shit!! Where's the Tynenol?

2007-02-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

Good news good news good news!!!!!

I heard from Chowda-he didn't forget me! Asked me to e mail my stuff to him (which I did-PRONTO-right after I walked in the door). There is hope and possibly a better place for me out there. I'm rather excited.

Uber Geekdom

2007-02-11T11:49:00.000-05:00

Last night, for some inexplicable reason I went into M. Night Shyamalan mode and watched "The Village" and "Lady in the Water". I am probably the only person on the planet who liked "Lady in the Water"-bottom line-I found it charming. Was it the best crafted script-no-neither was Rocky, yet that took best film. I did not expect it to be the 6th Sense or Unbreakable or Signs...it was a kid movie for adults with overactive imaginations. I howled-at the demise of the film critic character-truly one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If you enjoy his films then by all means go rent this one and get lost in the fun.

"The Village" -always a treat to hear the rhythmic language he's scripted and looking at Mister Phoenix is not a bad way to spend an evening.

After that I watched "Crank" and "DaVinci Code"

"Crank" stars the lovely, yummie and totally delish Jason Statham. Dark humor but fun nonetheless. Watching Jason Statham jog down the street in a hospital gown is just too damned funny for words. (That scene in particular reminds me of my current job-the urgency, the pace, the nonsence and the insanity of the situation-you've just gotta roll with it and pray there's help on the other end of the line). Dwight Yoakum was a surprise and an interesting choice. Good flick!

"DaVinci Code" fabulous cast, interesting story yet the film didn't work for me and I'm not sure why. I adore Jean Reno, Hanks generally makes interesting choices and Audrey Tautou is a delightful actress...so why didn't it work? Hell Ron Howard directed the thing and he usually delivers. Don't know what the deal was but it was not my cup of tea baby.

Bea's Top 10

2007-02-10T23:26:00.000-05:00

Groovin' tunes that I've got rollin' through the speakers at the moment:

10. "I Like The Way You Move" - Bodyrockers-the gravel voice guy gets me every time!

9. "Jaded"- Aerosmith

8. "Better Off Alone" - Alice Deejay

7. "Absolutely Not" - Deborah Cox

6. "My Love" - Justin Timberlake

5. "Days Go By"- Dirty Vegas

4. "Sexbomb" - Tom Jones

3. "Ya Mamma" - Fatboy Slim

2. "Love's Divine" (Passengerz Radio Mix) - Seal

1. "C'Mon An Ride the Train" - Quad City DJs

If you hadn't guessed....I'm in full blown dance/trance mode at the moment. Gettin' my wicked chair dancin' groove goin'-mirror ball fired up...boogie shoes primed and ready to roll out baby. Full safety is OFF and lives may be lost on the dance floor tonight...BEWARE!!

Jaded

2007-02-09T18:39:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here, in front of my trusty Mac. Glass of Tin Dog Shiraz 2004 (yummie Australian wine) by my side (half the bottle went down last night and the rest will be consumed tonight with any luck). I've had a rough go at work. Transitioning into a new position can be challenging especially when no one wants to train me-wait correction-the area finance manager-who by the way-I do not report to; in fact have only superficial contact with the man-has been generous enough to explain my job responsibilities. I admire him for seeing my obvious confusion and for the fact that he took pity on my stupidity instead of taking advantage of it.

Where was my new boss?

"Working" from home...for the past 5 days.

I will say no more on the subject for fear that Big Brother at work will find this blog.

Needless to say I'm gonna gut it out and find someone who will train me. Now I'm pissed.

Thinking

2007-02-08T18:44:00.000-05:00

OK, I miss this blog. It is my first one, my favorite and I shut it down due to some circumstances beyond my control. Times have changed and I'm moving back to this one.

Much has happened in my time away from this blog. I've had gastric bypass surgery, have lost serious weight since Oct 2006 (75 lbs and counting), have changed jobs and am in the process of re-inventing myself.

I can no longer eat any processed sugars (white sugar, brown sugar, corn syrup, molasses, honey, etc) and fried foods (I literally get physically ill-not fun-you'd be amazed at how many foods have hidden sugar-I read lots of labels now). I think losing 75 lbs in 4 month warrants some kind of sacrifice. I walk 2.4 miles a day and feel much better about myself.

I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror and there are days when I wonder who is that person staring back at me? Surely it's not really me because I don't look like that. She wears make-up, spray gel and perfume-who the frig is this woman? I carry myself differently-people at work call me "The Incredible Shrinking Office Manager" and have sent me links to The Biggest Loser website (I'm not sure why? I think they're being supportive).

Men frequent my desk,grazing on chocolates and candy...in all honesty this freaks me out because I'm no longer the office manager. So why are they stopping at my desk?
I'd like to believe for scintilating conversation but think it's for free candy.

I will turn 40 this year and it scares me. For some strange reason I fear that I will no longer be cool, funny, witty or desireable after 8/2/07.

I have a lovely friend in Jack the Wonder Kitten...he breathes his kitten breath on me at 5:10 am to rouse me from my warm bed, into my cross training shoes and sweat pants. Nothing motivates one more than hallitosis (sp?) at 5:10 am.

I'm Back

2007-01-11T18:33:00.000-05:00

After careful consideration I've decided to reopen this blog. I miss it, and it's my first blog. I have another but this one is homey, worn in, and where I'd really like to be.

In October I had gastric bypass surgery and have lost 61 lbs so far with more to come off. I've bid on a new position at work; one with more responsibilities and stresses but I think I can handle it. I was sick for Christmas and in the hospital for New Years with a gall stone attack...nothing like getting all the illnesses out of the way at the start of the year.

I have a delightful kitten named Jack who makes me laugh and keeps me warm.

Life is good.

Thank You

2006-06-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

This blog has now been retired. The move is complete. Thanks to all who posted, shared in my laughter and life.

Hear Ye..... Hear Ye....

2006-06-19T08:27:00.000-05:00

I am moving this blog to another location. It will be here for a little while longer but due to some unforseen difficulties it would be prudent for me to seek life elsewhere. I will not be posting a link to the new website. If you're interested please e mail me and I'll send you the link.

Apologies

2006-06-18T20:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks, Audioblog is not cooperating with me this evening so there will be no Bed Time Story. Maybe things will be better tomorrow night.

Sweet dreams and have a good week.

2006-06-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

I've got a whole heap o'nothin' right now. I'm working on some astrology stuff and cleaning the house. I'll post another poem later tonight. If anybody has any requsts please let me know.

Bed Time Poem for Osquer

2006-06-17T23:19:00.000-05:00

I hope I did justice to Mister Carroll's mighty verse.

Bedtime Poems II

2006-06-16T22:27:00.000-05:00

Poem by Danielle D Curtis

My Tanks

2006-06-16T19:00:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd share pics of my fish tanks at work. I've got a goldfish (Mister Finns) and an algae eatter (Fluffy) in one 5 gal tank and a school of neon tetras in a 10 gal behind my desk.

If you look in the lower right hand corner you can see two of the neons-they're quite shy.

Mister Finns lookin' all kinds of dangerous. Fluffy is hiding in the log and refused to come out for the photo op. The "Whomp It" is my own personal Thor's hammer and when I'm feeling stressed I occasionally start bopping things. It's a blow up mallet and does no serious damage. What's the point of having a desk if you can't have cool toys?

Lets Talk Some Shit....

2006-06-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when shit happens you want to be able to articulate the experience.

Ghost Shit-
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit-
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it.

Gooey Shit-
Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit-
You’re all done wiping your butt and you’re about to stand up when you realize…you’ve got some more.

Pop A Vein in Your Forehead Shit-
This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Right Now Shit-
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit-
This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks Shit-
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash.

Wish Shit-
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Snake Shit-
This shit is fairly soft and about as big as your thumb and at least 4 feel long.

Cork Shit-
Even after the 3rd flush, it’s still floating in there, MY GOD! How do I get rid of it?? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Crippler-
The kind of shit where you’ve been on the toilet so long your legs go numb.

Jack The Ripper Shit-
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair on your butt as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper-
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Frightened Turtle-
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Ring of Fire Shit-
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your butt feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Windy City Shit-
When you sit down and fart so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

The Never-Ending Shit-
It’s the shit that keeps running out of your butt. This always happens after eating at KFC.

Tag from Miss Sara

2006-06-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

I got tagged by Miss Sara who asked what are the "10 Songs you're listening to right now"

Ok here we go kids...

1. She Bangs-Ricky Martin

2. Thunderstruck-AC/DC

3. Sorry-Madonna

4. Cotton Eyed Joe-Red Nexx

5. Lord Franklin-Sinead O'Connor

6. Long Cool Woman-The Hollies

7. Slow Dancin'-Lindsey Buckingham

8. You Know I love You- HoJo

9. I Got You-Split Enz

10. Information-Dave Edmunds

Now I tag all of you,
Tell me what you're listening to...

A Thought

2006-06-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

I've been mulling over this blog. I'm not sure if I should continue. I'm gonna ponder this some more, no snap decisions, especially with the mindset that I'm in at the moment. Things at work are gearing up so I won't be posting that much for the rest of the month, Mental exhaustion has already begun to take its toll. I need to make it through the rest of the June, get a life, get laid and find some peace.

FYI

2006-06-13T08:41:00.000-05:00

Worm Attacks Yahoo E-Mail

Mass-mailing worm exploits a vulnerability in the Web-based e-mail, but its impact is low.

Jeremy Kirk, IDG News Service
Monday, June 12, 2006

A mass-mail worm that exploits a vulnerability in Yahoo's Web-based e-mail is making the rounds but the impact appears to be low, security vendor Symantec said today.

The worm, which Symantec calls JS.Yamanner@m, is different from others in that a user merely has to open the e-mail to cause it to run, said Kevin Hogan, senior manager for Symantec Security Response. Mass-mail worms have usually been contained in an attachment with an e-mail note encouraging a user to open it.

The worm, written in JavaScript, takes advantage of a vulnerability that allows scripts embedded in HTML e-mail to run in the users' browsers. Yahoo users should be able to modify their settings to block the zero-day exploit, Hogan said.

Symantec rated the worm a Level 2 threat, one notch above its least harmful ranking. Hogan said the worm did not appear to be spreading widely, and he did not anticipate the threat level rising.

How It Spreads

When activated, the worms then sends itself to other users in the victim's address book who also use Yahoo e-mail with the suffixes of @yahoo.com or @yahoogroups.com. The worm mimics a function within Yahoo's Web mail called "Quickbuilder," which allows a user to add contacts in an address book from received e-mail, Hogan said. The process, however, is transparent to the victim, he said.

The harvested e-mail addresses are sent to a remote server. Users of Yahoo Mail Beta do not appear to be affected, Symantec said.

The worm also opens a browser that displays a Web page that does not appear to contain malicious content.

Although Yahoo's Web e-mail has not been fixed, users are advised to update virus and firewall definitions and block any e-mail sent from av3@yahoo.com. The subject line of the e-mail with the worm says "New Graphic Site," and the body says "this is test."

Yahoo officials could not immediately be reached for comment.

2006-06-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

My first foray into audio blogging-hope you enjoy! I'd appreciate any feedback-thanks ; )

Cake

2006-06-12T15:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm having a challenging day. I trundled in to work, sipped my tea, opened my trusty Yahoo account and accidently hit the wrong friggin' button-opening an e mail that should never have been opened. I know better than this and I spent the better portion of the day contacting friends from my 3 other e mail accounts begging them not to open anything that they received from me today. My baby sister sent this to me at my work e mail addy and initially I wanted to smack her for sending it because I'm in a foul, foul mood; I reconsidered, knowing that she sent it with the best intentions and a good heart...now I feel compelled to share this with you to get rid of the Grinchy vibe I have...

CAKE

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did this
have to happen to me?" Here is a possible answer.

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's
failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend
is moving away. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her
daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely
Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"
"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in a certain order, they make
a delicious cake.

Life works the same way. Many times we wonder why we are put through such bad and difficult times. But these things are all part of a higher plan. We just have to trust and eventually, they will all make something wonderful.

Um OK, now where's my damned cake?

URGENT WARNING

2006-06-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

Do not open anything sent from my yahoo account-I've got a big bad bug.

You're Invited

2006-06-11T20:40:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to cut loose..it's been um, a bit hectic. I think we could all use a little stress relief...so

I'm sittin' here...
in my fancy computer desk chair purchased at Office Depot on sale...
and I'm singin' along with Madonna...why?
Because I'm one flaky broad and the song has a great dance beat.

Here we go kids, come join me on the dance floor and get your wicked groove thang going, dance the frustration out-works wonders for the bod and the mind....rock da house with me roomies!!!!!

*thumpin' bass line take us away*

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

I heard it all before
I heard it all before
I heard it all before
I heard it all before
and I can take care of myself

Zen Sunday

2006-06-11T11:45:00.000-05:00

Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

-Henry David Thoreau

2006-06-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

Sher-you out there on Yahoo?????