The Ides of March

Things seem to be going from bad to worse in my neck of Granola-ville these days.

Yesterday, in the middle of doing my morning reports I snapped.
I sat there for 2.5 hours second guessing myself and wondering if I was ever going to adapt.
I'm stressed, I bite co-worker's heads off, have become a bit of a dragon and dislike myself very much by the end of the day. For fun factor this rates right up there with my mother's funeral and I don't want to live my life this way.
So I got up from my desk, packed up all my shit and hauled it out to the Battle Beetle-enough-game over-time to be the coward and run for cover (No I don't have another job lined up-this tells you the mental state I'm in). On my way back in for the second load (I have a lot of shit at my desk) I was stopped by a colleague hell bent on intervention. We spoke at length regarding my career woes which I will not air on this blog. During the First Intervention a District Manager from another department came over and asked to speak to me when I'd finished with Intervention #1. Did not want to go speak with District Manager but feld obligated because intrinsically, he's a good man and I've enjoyed working with him; you've gotta give everybody the benefit of the doubt.

Spoke to well meaning DM at length about career woes (was convinced to stay), went back to my desk, sat down, cried for 20 min (not easy for me to do, crying in public is not my bag baby), was interrupted by my boss trying to reach me by phone (which I didn't answer) and IM (which I did respond to in fragments and monosyllabic verbage), was interrupted by overjoyed work colleague who has gotten a new job offer (wanted to punch a hole through her chest-not really am glad she's leaving), and finally left the building.

Came home, did more crying-so much that I now resemble Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Spoke to concerned boss last night and will work on issues this week and next week. Am not feeling very positive about it, am losing faith big time and don't know where to go for help. Under normal conditions I can adapt rapidly but for some reason I'm having difficulty translating and moving forward. Haven't been able to digest a meal all week (total weight loss this week 7 lbs), am losing my hair because I'm not eatting enough protein, have been waking between 3:30 am-4 am, am dog assed tired by 4:00 pm and wondering if I haven't just made the biggest damned blunder in my life to date.

How can I help the people I support if I don't know what I'm doing. It's my job and I'm flying blind, m'aidez, m'aidez, m'aidez this is Bea requesting some fucking assistance m'aidez, m'aidez, m'aidez....