Freaky Friday

The end of quarter madness has begun at the office.

The Drill Down:

7:25 am-wake up-SUPREMLEY late-hop in the shower singing Billy Idol's theme song to the movie Speed (scary that I know the lyrics and movie-but I am The Queen of Soundtracks) starring Mister K Reeves and the divine Miss Bullock... "SPEED, gimme what I need YEAAAAAH greased lightning speed speed speed's what I need"

7:47 am-leave house going mach 5 with my hair on fire; The Battle Beatle asumes Chitty Chitty Bang Bang mode and I can see flaming tire tracks on the pavement in the rear view mirror while I apply lip gloss

8:00 am-make it to work and eat my packet of Quaker instant oatmeal; enjoy the silent office, sip my tea, nice warm spring day, birds chirping...it's a Disney moment

9:07 am-one of my Un-Homeys comes up to me, begging for a favor-he needs a catered luncheon today (normally my food folks need 24 hours notice) for 12 people-no meat sandwiches (it's Lent after all)-salad-chips-assorted soft drinks and a cookie tray (heaven help you if you forget the cookies)-by noon-tell him I'll see what I can do

9:15 am-Xerox 7300 Tek Color Phaser printer beings to act as if Satan had taken possession

9:18 am-Un-Homey calls to bug me about luncheon order; he's trying to be cheap-tell him he waited until the last moment and there's only so much magic I can work in such a short period of time-shuts him up

9:20 am-call caterer, cash in a few favors, they'll deliver by noon; tell dude taking my order that he is a gracious soul and the Lord will smile upon him, he giggles and tells me "anytime"

9:45 am-15 cartons of printer paper arrive and I direct friendly trucker with loaded cart to copy room

9:48 am-friendly delivery guy takes pity on me and unloads cartons next to printers-he leaves-I check on misbehaving 7300 printer-green slime is oozing out the sides-yep Satan's here-place "do not use sign" on the blasted thing

10:00 am-go back to my desk to answer phones-4 people come up and tell me there's something wrong with the color printer, tell them that I'm working on it

10:47 am-guests start to arrive for luncheon meeting; guide them to conference room and set up LCD projector

10:53 am-three more people tell me there's something wrong with the color printer-they NEED this printer-tell them I'm working the solution

11:00 am-the lads call me into another conference room, they can't get the hub working and are quite pissed because they NEED to be on line for a web meeting PRONTO; I solve their problem by plugging the data cable into the correct port on the wall-they confirm that I am a Goddess-Lenny begs me for help, he can't figure out how to fax his expense report

11:12 am-dash to copy room to fax expenses-goes through without a hitch-7300 color printer is now levitating-go back to my desk to sign for Fed Ex man-deliver faxed report-deliver Fed Exes-go back to direct more guests to luncheon meeting

12:00 noon-Caterer Extraordinaire leaves me box of yummies on my desk on his way out-the man is Golden-my boss IMs me asking if I'll run to The Chick for her lunch, she's on a conference call and can't leave-nodda problem, I'm Supa Bea faster than a speeding locomotive, able to leap office buildings in a single bound

12:30-return from The Chick and deliver yummies to boss-give out bound mail to friendly post office dude and wish him a good weekend

1:00 pm-go back to copy room with holy water, Xerox Manual and rosary (every good office manager has these items tucked away in his/her desk for just these occasions)-an exorscism is in order-Xerox Priestess is on the line to walk me through it

2:00 pm-still on line with Xerox and have resorted to sprinkling holy water and chanting, "The power of Christ compells thee"; office folk gather around to watch as I cast out evil-am interrupted by office idiot asking me where the push pins are; this break in my concentration is a set back and the crowd gasps as the Xerox begins spewing profanities-I tamp down the urge to scream, "Open your eyes you dimwit"-point to the storage cupboards and tell idiot to check in there-bottom shelf-clear plastic container bearing 500 neon colored items he requested

2:15 pm-phone rings-put Xerox Priestess on hold while I get the other line- it's The Princess (she's 27 and still lives with her parents, they do everything for her, including thinking), she whispers into her cell phone like Snow White talking to the elves at her feet-I'm not charmed-she askes to be transfered to an odd extension-I ask her who she's trying to reach-she gives me the name-don't recognize it as one of my kids and ask what office he works out of-she's not sure-I tell her to read me the phone number at the bottom of the e mail he sent to her-she asks where that would be-I tell her to look beneath his name-she coos, "Oh yes, there it is..." the exchange is in Mass-I tell her he's at corporate and transfer her up there-I'm hungry, cranky and about ready to go all kinds of Pompeii-I do not have the time to hold her hand and explain how to read a friggin' e mail to this papmered child

3:08 pm-exorcism complete; District Manager pages me to come pick up his mail-am a bit disturbed because he sits about 10 feet away from my desk and it's not like he's gotta go through the Himalayian range to get to the outbound post basket

3:12 pm-swing by DM's desk to pick all important mail and almost explode-it's his damned phone bill that will go out on monday-like he couldn't have dropped it on his way out the door?????? Chowda sees my expression and tells me that alcohol helps-I explain that my abode is bone dry at the moment-he smiles and says all is not lost, perhpas the office gods will smile upon me as he exits for an out of office experience

3:30 pm-eat lunch; co-worker comes up to my desk, he thanks me for the white board art I left in his office yesterday-he's an avid huntsman and while he was out I drew a deer on his whiteboard-he added to the art work by placing a bullseye on Bambi's body-we giggle

4:00 pm-The Big Chalupa calls looking for my boss- he's breathing more fire than Puff the Magic Dragon- I go into flame out mode and joke with him while IMing boss trying to prevent her full blown nervous breakdown-by the time I finish with him he's in a good mood and she's calm; transfer complete-fire stamped out-all is right in the world

4:45 pm-Chowda comes up to my desk-hands me a large bottle of Margarita mix (Cuervo already in it thank-you-very-much!!!) I thank him, sing his praises and tell him upon his demise he will be welcomed into Valhalla by a horde of Valkyeries all hot for his bod-he giggles and wishes me a good weekend

I'm Chez Bea and after consuming half of the Margaritas, I'm feelin' mighty fine! Y'all have a splendid weekend. Hugs all 'round.