Navel Gazing......

Went to see "Max Payne" and would recommend waiting for rental on this one. Normally I enjoy a good testosterone charged film but this time it was a bit disappointing. On my way out of the cinema I had a thought, well actually several thoughts at once. Work has been a priority on my mind and I find myself working really stupid hours and losing sleep. Which begs the question...why do I do this to myself? Is my need for approval so great that I must work myself into a sleep deprived mess? I thought more about it on my way home. I am driven to "be there" because I know what it's like not to have any help, hence my hyper-drive to help others. I understand what it's like to be so lost that I am inordinately driven to help others...often to my own detriment. So why do I lay it on the line for an office that could give a shit less and 4 bosses who I suspect don't really give a shit either? Am I just being professional or is there something inside of me that enjoys having the shit kicked out of me?? Instinctively I know there is no pay off, there is no white knight who's gonna come charging outta the sunset and help me...I am The Dark Knight and I rescue others when they least expect it. I am the silent watchful Guardian who bails your ass out when the shit hits the fan...but I am tired of constantly rescuing others...when do I get rescued? Who helps me when I'm in trouble and can't find my way through? Disturbingly...I suspect no one...and this frightens me because I am not Teflon. There are occasions when I need assistance and have absolutely no one to turn to, no one to understand, no one to offer a life preserver or parachute. Which brings me to the question am I unconsciously being a martyr? If I am, does this make me a bad person or a self-indulgent idiot? Am I driven to help others so I can somehow find a way to help myself? Or do I really need to find another line of work so I can get myself off this treadmill of self destruction? Too many questions with no answers at the moment...