Epiphany of the Day

*A ray of light blazes through the ceiling above my desk-a chorus of cherubs bursts forth in harmony* I'm at work feeling as though a knife has been stabbed through my heart. Why? Because I have just realized that I have a great need to be around people, to interact with them and to have them in my life. Yes but why the pain? For years, I have done the Simon & Garfunkle thing..I am a rock.. etc. I've been proud of the life obstacles I've overcome without assistance from anybody. I find it terribly difficult to actually depend on others. Rarely do I ask for assistance and in general I tend to listen to their problems and never share my own. It's about fear. The fear of being hopelessly in need of assistance, asking another human being for help and getting a "no" response. My reaction has always been, OK I can do this myself, it's not a problem. When I moved into my house in Baltimore, I moved myself-had no help. It took me three solid days of lifting but I got it done. The people that I'd asked for help bailed on me the morning of the move and I had no choice, I pushed and got it done. But today I wish I had someone to talk to right now. Loneliness in itself is not a crime nor am I the only person on the planet to experience it-the painful part is realizing that I need. After trying so hard to be solitary and not "needy" I realize that I've failed in the process. It's not about sex, it's about conversation, interaction and just being with other beings on a social level. So what does a bar-shy, late 30's-short-round-woman do in a situation like this? I haven't got the foggiest. When I do figure it out I'll let you know.