Good God!

I have been away for far too long. The new job has been or is rather, a disappointment and after much soul searching, it's not my bag baby. I've discovered that I do not thrive in office environments, in fact, it kills me. So my mind has been focused on other career options. I could go back into theatre; stage management is the last frontier that I haven't entered. But the more I think about stage management and a life in theatre I discover that it doesn't appeal to me anymore. I don't want to constantly be looking for work. The travel might have been fun when I was younger but now doesn't appeal to me. I do not want to be nursemaid to actors and am tired of carrying the burdeon of responsibility. In all hoensty, I'd like someone to look after me the way I've looked after others for all these years. Recently I've made some collossal career blunders. I've been told that it's a learning process but I feel like someone who has gone over Niagra Falls without the protective barrel. I would like to have a deep sense of satisfaction from my job, don't need to make more money than I could ever possibly spend but I would like to be happy. Not Snoopy dancin' but something close to that and these days I spend many nights consuming frightening amounts of wine to dull the ache of just existing in time and space. I've misplaced my compass and am wondering how do I regain something that I've lost?
Have been thinking a lot about writing. Perhaps one of the reasons that I've been so misearble is because I haven't been blogging. It was something that I enjoyed. Not that I aim for Hemmingway or Stephen King standards but there is something theraputic in writing. Something soothing about the clack of the fingers on the keyboard, the rhythm of the words flowing out of the mind and onto the page/computer screen. The mad giggles when something strikes me and I'm able to put it down and share it with others.
BUT...
Do I have the courage and creativity to pursue this as a career? Do I have the strength to take rejection? Do I have the stamina to continue? More importantly-am I creative enough to do it? It's not about the money-it's about the story-the people-the mad typing at 4am because something hit me and I've gotta get it down-even if it doesn't work into the story I might be able to use it somewhere else... who knows? Do I have delusions of grandeur-no, I don't want to be The Best, I'd settle for being happy.
SO...
I ponder and ponder and ponder. Because I really don't want to botch up again career wise. I am tired of being unsatisfied and miserable. This is no way to live a life, I don't know how anybody manages to maintain their sanity doing a job that isn't remotely enjoyable. Well I do know how one can manage, with alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.