...Ooops forgot something

A friend shared a funny bumper sticker with me tonight. I thought it was hilarious.
"Yee Haw is not acceptable as foreign policy"

Leap

Coach-"A real man admits his fears. That's what I'm asking you to do here tonight. Fears...lets talk about them."

Player-"I'm scared of spiders, Coach"

-The Replacements


I awoke in a foul mood this morning and yes I do mean foul. The day was dreary and cold, overcast and mixed with sputters of rain. I spent the morning battling those inner demons that tend to over power rational thought when one is alone. The bills, the car acting up, joblessness, they all breathed their fire on me and I'd forgotten to wear my asbestos underwear today-of all days! I knew that I had to fight the downward spiral that was sucking me in. I picked up the phone and spent the afternoon chatting with a good friend who unknowingly helped me to come to a conclusion that I had been blindly ignoring for several years. I found my calling, my path and it felt good. I hung up the phone and glowed with a sense of excitement and joy. Someone once told me that out of chaos comes clarity. To deny the truth of self only creates unrest, unhappiness and despair, which is what I've been doing to myself for too long. It all boils down to perception, both awareness of self and of others. Serendipity lies in being open to it. A good chum is constantly telling me, "Leap and the net will appear." and in his case it worked. He has travelled down the road that I am now on and speaks with the voice of experience and faith. His faith in the universe stuns me because I really am "Oh Ye of little faith". I lost faith because I wasn't listening, I wasn't aware, I wasn't open to a new perception of myself, I was afraid. (grins) Later this evening, and several phone calls later (with a different friend), the heavens broke and I finally GOT IT! OK so I can be a bit dense from time to time. Let it be noted that I am now willing to let go of my stubborn streak and open myself up because I do not want to continue on this path, I choose another one instead. I've realized that fear, if left unattended, grows and stops one from becoming. So I do my free-fall, my leap of faith and accept myself exactly as I am.

The Beazies

After ranting yesterday I have realized that I may be poor and almost destitute but there are many blessings in my life. So in my own fashion I offer up the "Bea-thankful Awards" also knows as "The Beazies". I recognize the following people, living and dead, who continue to inspire me:

My Mother-The depth of your love humbles me to this very day. I don't know how you did it, but you did it.

My Father- Thank you for the lessons on how not to treat other human beings.

Bill Callahan-No one could have a finer teacher and friend. Your unfailing support, spirit and love will never be matched again.

Brenllama and Kellyllama-I am thankful for the lessons in sisterhood and love.

Jedi Master Cliff-Your courage and wit know no rival. Thank you for the many conversations and support on those dark nights of the soul. I am proud to call you my friend. (I miss our lightsabre battles)

Bacon-Thank you for teaching me about compassion, great photography, sparkling political debates, and finally for a very special reason. You are the only man who has ever made me orgasm-one never forgets the first one.

Kathy H- No one could have a finer surrogate mother. Thank you for the love.

Amy H-Thank you for the books, life-assistance, and margaritas.

Joanna B-Thanks for your support, advice and employment assistance.

The Canadians:

Sara J- Thank you for friendship, listening and good advice.

Sheri- Thank you for your support, friendship and willingness to share information. You are a combination of beauty and strength.

Ang B-Thank you for your sense of humor and your friendship.

Jim & Lillie F-Thank you for your artistic abilities and gifts of music, HAM radio advice and hospitality.


For anybody that I've not listed, thank you for helping me along the road of life.


Quote for the day:

Generosity to the poor
Good counsel to friends
Tolerance with enemies
Indifference to fools
Respect to the learned.

-Sheikh Abdullah Ansari-Sufi Law of Life

What Am I Doing?

OK so I'm not smoking and feeling a bit tense. I just need to rant a bit. This morning while preparing my tasty breakfast. I accidently spilled some egg on the burner. I turned off the burner, moved the iron skillet and proceeded to pick up the burner grate (I have a gas stove) to wipe up the mess and heard a hissing noise. I stopped what I was doing when I realized that the hissing noise was the flesh on my fingers frying on the extremley hot metal. What was I thinking? It's rather scary when you're burning yourself and not even aware of it. There are days when I commit one random act of stupidity after another and this is one of them. So I am now typing with blistered fingers that don't really hurt but look all puffy. A blessing in disguise.
Moving on...
I am currently in a relationship with a man and to protect his identity I'll call him The Bacon (short for Canadian Bacon). He should not be confused with any pork products. I thought a breakfast food product was appropriate because he is quite yummie in the morning (wink-wink-nudge-nudge). He once lived in the Great White North-hence-The Bacon. It seems more practical than calling him "He Who Shall Not Be Named" and it's far faster. But-I digress. Bacon and I have had a relationship for several years and one thing that has always bothered me is that I have never felt comfortable telling him about myself. I have tried and end up sounding foolish, goofy, and like a lack-wit. I suppose it stems from rejection and non-acceptance. The last several times that he's come a-calling I've noticed something different in him. I believe that he is tired of the relationship but I do not know how to broach the subject. I do care for him but I also realize that all things must end at some point in time. My difficulty in reading him is that he can be evasive and often he responds to my questions with , "What do you think?". I wish there was a way that I could just talk to the man without making us both feel uncomfortable- stumbling, fumbling and bumbling! ACK! Perhaps I shouldn't return his phone calls or e mails but that doesn't sit very well with me. It drives me nuts when people do it to me so I treat others as I would like to be treated. He has been so helpful and kind. I believe that he was once fond of me but I do not think he loves me. I don't know where I stand. There are days that I would just like to retire to a cave in the mountains and beat my head against stone. So here endeth my rant. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be a smoother ride on the roller coaster of life.

Old Habits

Ok I've gotta come clean. I am craving a cigarette. I would like to say that I quit smoking because it's good for me and for others who might have been exposed to second hand smoke; that would be a lie. I just couldn't afford it anymore. I was always very careful when I smoked. Rarely did I fire-up around non-smokers because well, it just didn't seem right to inflict my habits on them. I miss the taste but I do not miss the cost. But every now and then, after dinner I get the urge to go buy a pack of smokes and power smoke them like there's no tomorrow. The smell of sulfur as the match ignites followed by the first sweet inhilation, a coil of bue smoke floats lazily through the room *sigh* those days are over. Reality sets in and I grab a straw, or some gum or an Egg shaped Tootsie Pop to curb the habit that dies hard. Why is it that I still can't kick this habit? I think it's just stress and it will pass. But I still want that cigarette!!!


-Movie Quote of the Day:

Charles De Mar: (giving skiing instructions) Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.
-Better Off Dead

It's The Little Things

OK so it's monsoon season in Baltimore. I wake up to the pitter patter of raindrops falling on my roof, the knowledge of water hitting my roof fills me with pangs of despair. I am unemployed and the roof needs to be repaired, yet another thing to add to The List o'Repairs When I Have Gotten A Freakin' Job. To counteract the despair I decide to go apply for jobs today-good plan-am feeling marvelously positive. I eat a generous bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and cinammon-I'm having a Health Day. I open the front door filled with the joy of discovering the unknown and see a canoe filled with cats and dogs being piloted by the Gorton's fisherman...obviously there's been a considerable amount of rainfall because I don't live anywhere near the Harbour, a river or a stream. (I am being facetious the Gorton's fisherman does not live on my block and only makes imaginary appearances in this neighborhood.) I grab rain gear, wave to the cats, dogs, fisherman and hoist anchor on the Bea-mobile (a 1995 red Geo Prism with 285,000 miles on it). I set sail and cruise to a large retail franchise and apply for a part time job. Yes I am 37 years old and have never worked retail but I NEED a job, bills gotta get paid, roof needs to be fixed, bathroom needs to be repaired, ceilings need paint and Momma needs a new Fridge before the old one dies. I am an excellent employee. I have a great attitude, I make the workplace fun. I am reliable and shine when I am not limited to doing the same old thing over and over again. I am one heck of a detail oriented chicalambra-I can work it like nobody's business. I turn in the application and pray that I get called for an interview-yeppers I need the ducats, the cashola, the dabloons-ARG!
Next on the list o'things to do-purchase stamps so that what money I have left can be mailed to the mortgage company ('cause I just HAD to buy a Money Pit), the credit card, and the gas and electric company. Knowing that my funds are terribly limited, the Rhinos of Stress dance about in my tumkins-strain does that to a body. I accept the fact that I am poor and zip over to the store to purchase my stamp-a-reenos. I make haste through the grocery store because I am hungry and haven't got much money to spend on luxuries like, well food. I notice medium eggs on sale 2 dozen for a dollar (whoo hoo! I grab 2 doz), breezing down the bread aisle- generic loaves for 75 cents (I swoop down and score me a loaf); with my wicked eye I spy Easter Tootsie Pops (lollipops cleverly shaped like eggs-who woulda thunk it?) 99 cents a bag. I cannot resist their Siren call and toss a bag into my cart. At the check out I consider myself a Master of the Universe because I do not fear eggs. They are cheap, have protein and will sustain me for the rest of the week. Give us this day our daily eggs.
I set sail home and unwrap a Tootsie pop-yes they really are egg shaped-go figure. I realize that I am very lucky. I may be dirt poor and jobless but the minor joys in life like egg salad and Tootsie Pops remind me that it's the little joys that keep me going. Strange but true.