Adjusting to Change

Lately I've been terribly moody. Like everybody else, I've got some issues I need to deal with and I fear losing weight. I've been overweight since the age of 9 and I don't mean a bit chubby-I mean obese. Since October of last year I've lost the weight of another human being (135 lbs)-I am not complaining about this transformation, simply stating that the rapid speed and amount I've lost have me a bit freaked out. For the first time in my life, clothing is too big-this is a major adjustment for me. I cannot recall being this "thin" not that I've reached waifdom yet (not my plan), I've got roughly 30 more lbs to lose and then I'll be at my target.
I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I am anymore. In my mind I know that losing weight is good but there are times when this little voice inside of me asks, "Gee you've lost all this weight are you still you?". Part of me-being me-was the fat, the "right jolly old elf" if you will. I'm rapidly losing that fat, jolly old elf image and I don't know what to do with myself. For a good 20 years I always had a closet full of clothes on hand for when I'd gain/lose/gain weight. I took 4 bags of clothing to Goodwill over the weekend. Things that I will never wear again, now my closet is virtually empty. I used to look forward to winter because I could wear sweaters and not sweat. Now I'm constantly cold. I actually went out and bough thermal t shirts to wear underneath my sweatshirts and PJ's so I don't get chilly. I went out and bought a girly, fuzzy blue robe (that I wear over the thermals and PJ's)-why? Because it's soft and furry. I'm becoming a girl and it's a strange place to be lol.

I can no longer hide in food or alcohol- physically it's impossible. I get lit on 2 glasses of wine and can't eat refined sugars or fatty foods. I have tried eating sugar (white sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, corn syrup, high fructose cory syrup etc-natural sugar found in fruit is fine) and have made myself violently ill. The same goes for fatty foods, anything over 12 g per serving and I end up with severe stomach cramps and a rotten case of the trots. I must reiterate that I'm not complaining, in fact I am grateful that I was lucky enough to have this surgery. It really has altered my life for the better (must admit I do miss Popeye's chicken and biscuits though and there are moments when I'd sell my soul for a chicken fried steak). I don't think I prepared myself to embrace this much change in such a short period of time.

I knew but I didn't really know.

Lazy Sunday

*singing with Mister Dylan* Everybody knows that baby's got new clothes, but lately, I see her ribbons and her bows have fallen from her curls, she takes just like a woman, yes she does, she makes love just like a woman yes she does....but she breaks just like a little girl...

"Meet the Spartans" was a riot, pure mindless fluff that I thoroughly enjoyed. At times, laughed so hard I cried. If you've seen "300", "Stomp the Yard", and "Shrek 3" you'll get this film. The guy playing Leonidas (in Meet the Spartans) does a fabulous impersonation of Gerard Butler-too damned funny for words. Hellboy 2 will be coming out this summer and I'm looking forward to my boyee del Torro's next installment.
Did a bit of shopping (nothing really fits anymore) and watched a lovely french film by the divine Luc Besson called "Angela". Released in 2005 it's in black & white and very nicely done-worth a see if you enjoy his work-God bless Netflix!

Am chasing the blues by doing the domestic thing today. Detoxed the microwave, cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed the oven and stove...I'm a vortex of cleaning products. Have finished the laundry and will move on to ironing shortly. I suppose it's my way of working off nerves for next week's fun fest.

Had a rather light hangover yesterday, too much red wine. The upcoming week will be rocky at best. Spain and Canada will be coming in for our monthly festivities and there's no room at the inn. To add another log on the fire, there is a large training class too...I really need to rethink my career path. It's not fun anymore.

On to brighter things...it's saturday, I'm going to see the spoof "Meet the Spartans" which will provide much needed laughs and I live for a good silly film. Plus I can't find anything wrong with watching scantily clad, buff men running 'round the screen wearing leather undies-I'm a freak, I know.

It's a hard, it's a hard....

Am listening to the immortal words of Bob Dylan-GOD whattaguy??!! Where have you been my blue eyed son? Where have you been my darling young one? Have consumed a bit of Jumilla-that is a divine red wine from Spain...mmm mmmm good. Feeling a tad lonely, next week will be brutal and I don't know if I can handle a resounding round of indifference from the spuds at work. I bring my A Game, my full gymnastics routine and flop. It's hard for the psyche. What did you meet my blue eyed son and who did you meet my darling young one....? It's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard rainnnnnns gonna fall...I'm feeling lost, hence the Bob Dylanesque theme... I'm in a job; isolated at the end of a hallway, with... God help me... engineers. I have a knack for finding impossible situations, this would be one of them. Which begs the question...why do I choose situations like this? Is there some kind of sado-masochistic thing in me that needs to be pulverized? exorcised? I miss humanity, people that talk to me, communication, collaboration...instead I find myself using a translation web site to talk to people because I cannot figure out how to pronounce the Spanish language. Is this an indication that I'm a loser?

Instead of taking off on sunday and monday, I worked-there were 103 incoming e mails for me-I had no choice. I think I need to find a new career.
The problem is...where do I excel?

Random Thoughts

It's been an interesting week. I came down with a nasty gastro-intestinal virus and am certain that my toilet is now a deeply personal friend of mine. We've experienced so much over the last several days. Have been gushing fluids from my body since tuesday and will probably be run over by a train load of work next week. Was supposed to go to Camp L for a skiing trip but have chosen to stay home and work the holiday on monday to avoid the wreckage of missing 4 days of work. Jack the Wonder Kitten has been in "hover" mode; diligently standing guard on the lip of the tub during violent evacuation sessions, curling up next to me under the covers to lend his warmth and purring most welcome comfort. Felt better today and went to Jersey to have my hair cut and did a brief shopping excursion with Baby Sister. Had a wonderful time and am now down to a size 16 (prior to surgery I wore a 28). It's a strange place to be, I can't remember being this thin. I actually have a visible collar bone and only one chin. Will post pics soon I promise, am tired.

Public Humiliation 101

There are times when I sincerely question my role on this planet...I suspect I am some twisted form of comic relief and that somewhere out there, somebody is giggling hysterically at my antics....

Saturday...plans to meet Mighty Mighty LD to celebrate his B-Day..I'm excited so I decide to take a nap so I can stay up late and party...bad decision, I wake up at 8:15 pm and I'm supposed to meet him at 9 in DC...it's OK, I can make this work, fly through the shower, call LD to let him know I'm on my way to the Metro station (about 30 min away from Granola-ville)...I get to lovely rain filled Montgomery county and anyone who knows me, and knows me well, is aware that I have absolutely no sense of direction. I get lost easily, I'm not sure why, I just do. The directions that I'd carefully gotten from Mapquest before I left are wrong. I end up near Adventist Hospital...call LD tell him I'm frightfully lost will find gas station and see if they can tell me 1. where am I??? and 2. where the hell is the damned Metro station????...it gets worse...find gas station (inside I'm shouting because something has finally gone right on this rainy icky night) and my tummy starts to rumble...walk in the station and ask to use the lady's room...get high school hall pass sized key chain and trundle to the rest room...answer the call of nature...walk outside and in a graceful fashion trip stepping down from the curb...but wait...there's more...The Fickle Finger of Fate was pointed at me and I sprain my ankle, it makes an audible pop as I land on it...people come rushing out of the gas station...I am, in a word, completely humiliated, truly I need an audience on this cold and rainy night, lost and disoriented, like a wounded Mastodon I try to regain my footing, no dice, my ankle is puffed up like a softball and the store manager, being the upright citizen that he is, calls an ambulance...yeah I need flashing lights and a blaring horn to highlight my lack of grace. The EMTs arrive and suggest x-rays because the size of my ankle has increased and looks kinda nasty. They load me into the ambulance...and take me to the hospital where I had been lost...I get the giggles...this is truly sick. I get lost, try to find my way out and end up back where I started, truly the Universe doth have a sense of humor. I look at my watch, it's midnight and I doubt I'm going to be able to meet LD for those very much needed cocktails. I go for x-rays-no break, just a bad sprain but I can't drive my car due to the melon sized foot I'm dragging around so the hospital calls my sister who lives nearby..*sigh* she arrives around 2 am, all sleepy, cranky and God I would've killed to have a drink at that moment. We go back to her house, I take a pain pill, pack my foot in ice and pass out. I wake up around 10:30 am to the screams of my nephew (he's in a wailing stage when he sees "strangers" namely me). I long to stick a fork in my eye and pray for a quick, painless death...nothin' doing. I am subjected to wailing nephew, sweet niece and mentally unbalanced brother-in-law for the next several hours. The swelling has gone down and my ankle no longer resembles a basketball, we go to CVS and get an ankle brace. At 2 pm she drops me at my car and I return home, pop some Tylenol and sleep. I am feeling like an idiot at the moment. I missed a very important day for my friend. Mighty Mighty LD I wish you a wonderful new year, filled with good health and prosperity.

It's Thursday

OK, it's thursday, 2:56 pm and I've just gone to lunch. Somehow I have unconsciously crossed time zones and have gone all kinds of Spanish. Thankfully it's been a slow week-everybody is on holiday except for me and the VP of Finance. Am looking forward to the weekend, will hook up with Mighty Mighty LD to celebrate his B-Day-should be interesting to say the least.

I've decided to make some changes in 2008. I plan on moving to DC, have lost a total of 130 lbs in roughly one year(and still counting-will post pics soon I promise), have intentions to become more socially active because living the life of a recluse just isn't my bag baby, will try to quit smoking AGAIN-hopefully this time it will stick, am learning Spanish so I can be a better Office Goddess than I already am (I think this will place me on the Mount Oylmpus of Office Management), and finally I am going to make a concerted effort to not be so hard on myself. Become more forgiving and accepting of my many faults and flaws. I had no idea I was so perfectionistic-hit me like a 2x4 in the back of the head one day after Christmas while putting the office Holiday decorations away, meticulously wrapping breakables in tissue paper-D'UH! I can be a little dense every now and then. I am embracing my humanity and silently telling myself that I must first fail in order to learn the lessons that life has to offer. I did not spring like Athena from the head of Zeus (her father), fully formed, all knowing and it's OK that I am not Athena. I'm more like Hermes anyway lol Jeeze I'm waxing all kinds of mythological Greek, must be the stuffed grape leaves I had for lunch.