I've decided to take a blog break. I need to recharge and regroup, if it's urgent contact me on Yahoo as I rarely check the Hotmail.

For the past three days I have bolted from a sound sleep at 1:54 am. Nightmares. I've drifted back to the land of Nod between 4 and 5 am, needless to say, I'm exhausted. This morning I remembered fragments of the dream; burning trash cans, a locomotive puffing and churning across darkened skies, fighting something and calling out, asking what I was battling. I became frustrated because the ending eluded me. I finally got it this morning. A woman (in the dream-not standing next to my bed which would've freaked me out further) I didn't recognize answered my question by handing me a small crumpled piece of paper with the following:

T
H
E

D
E
V
I
L

It scared the piss out of me.
Do I believe that somehow overnight I've been transformed into John Constantine?
No.
Am I a deeply religious person?
No. Personally I do not wish to take part in organized religion however, I am spiritual and I respect others religious choices.
Have I been watching a lot of demonesque movies?
No that was last month lol.
Am I losing my mind?
No, I'm tired and don't think I'm possessed although there are some who might argue that point lol.
My boss CC thinks it's withdrawl from quitting smoking. She then corrected herself by saying maybe she was confusing nicotene(sp?) with LSD. This was not a comfort to me lol.

Dreams are symbolic so the crux of the matter is- WTF does all this mean? Obviously there's something going on. There are times when I've had dreams that do actually take place and it's an erie feeling. I seriously don't think this one will happen (perhaps the 4 horsemen are saddling their mounts? lol sooooo doubt that) but it haunts me. I've been under a ton of stress at work and have been spending quite a few hours devoted to Operation "Free Bea" so I can rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Re-invention is not easy lol. Right now I just want a decent night's sleep.

Blessings

I've gotta send a shout out to The Almighty, The Force, God, Allah-whatever. There have been moments in time when I've wondered, questioned and despaired because the answer was not always immediate. The giant Klieg light (the huge freakin' spotlights on the 20th Century Fox logo) have shone upon me. Thank You for not making me an arrogant, pretentious (LD you are not pretentious-you're entertaining-there's a difference and I adore you for it), self absorbed idiot and giving me friends (LD, S, Sher, Sara) who do not shoot sunshine up my ass but treat me with respect, love and dignity. I have crawled from the pit of hell and am stronger for it, thank You for those periodic tests.

Bad Art

I studied art in college. It was my favorite class. It was soothing, sitting in the dark watching slide after slide. I never got bored. Occasionally I like to surf for some truly bad art, I mean the velvet Elvises or is that Elvisi, evil clowns, paint-by-numbers Van Gogh's and nightmarish landscapes reduce me to a pile of tearful giggles. I'm not afraid of bad art, or the people who produce it. Today I went in search of the badest of the bad...words fail me...go look at what I found. Click on the Bad Art link above.

WHOOO HOOOO 1 Year!

It's my one year blogging anniversary!
It occured to me that I should have invited my readers over for din but y'all live so far away that it would be rude to ask you to travel so far for some veal piccata (thanks for the cook book LD), home made gnocchi and a delightful spinach salad. It was sooooo good it gave me a woody. Yes the Bea-Meister was sporting a "chubby" after sampling the culinary ambrosia...add into the mix a few Hurricanes (no I'm not tanked-everybody RELAX-merely a little buzzed-they don't put all that much alcohol in the premixed Bacardi thingies). After my film fest and before din I had a thought, it came to me out of the blue, like lightening across a stormy sky. I think Angus Young from AC/DC should be president. How many adults can carry off wearing a school uniform in front of a stadium of fans? Just imagine what he could do for this country. He wears a child's uniform but nobody fucks with him. The Departement of Defense would be scared shitless of him-this could be a good thing. I'm stymied with the possibilities for our national anthem. It would be interesting don't you think? Foreign policy would be fabulous-we can all rock on, what's the problem with that? Perhaps I'm over simplifying things a bit and enjoying my metal moment too much? Be that as it may, I still think Angus is righteous.
Have a splendid week!

Film Festival Chez Bea

Oh My God.
Jason Statham
That's all I'm saying.

Joke of the weekend

Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.

After a stimulating healthy lunch they decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange looking gent sitting at the entrance who said "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror that if you look into it and say something truthful you will be rewarded with your wish. Be warned: if you say something false you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity."

The men quickly entered and on finding the mirror Ralph Nader stepped up and said "I think I'm the most truthful of the 3 of us" and he suddenly found the keys to a new Prius in his hand.

Al Gore stepped up and said "I think I'm the most ambitious of the 3 of us" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Top 10 and Reassurance

Wanted to thank all the folks who've called with concerns about my welfare. I am deeply touched and blessed with your company. I've had a stressful week at work and the rather painful end result is thurdsay night. Am I insecure-yes. Because I admit to having them doesn't make me weak-it makes me honest. Hell everybody has insecurities but not all admit they've got them. No big deal. It's part of the human experience. As Gloria Gaynor so aptly said, I will survive. So I'm gonna rock on with my bad self this week, if y'all wanna join my wicked groove then by all means do it! Here we go, grab your hairspray, roach clip, lighter, lift your hand in the air and keep time with me lol:


Bea's Top 10

1. Cum On Feel the Noize-Quiet Riot

2. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap-AC/DC

3. Big City Nights- The Scorpions

4. Paradise City-Runs-N-Roses

5. Kiss Me Deadly-Lita Ford

6. You Give Love a Bad Name-Bon Jovi

7. Thunderstruck-AC/DC

8. Photograph-Def Leppard

9. You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet-Bachman Turner Overdrive

10. I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night-KISS

** that would be me in the middle exhaling that marvelous plume of smoke and there's Miss Sher on my left looking lovely and Miss Sara on my right looking basted with her eyes closed and Mighty LD is in the back with the Doo Rag looking svelt, and S is there wearing some truly fabulous sun glasses...lol it's a shame none of us are pictured lol**

Bea's Mysterious Past

In summer days long gone by I had one of the greatest jobs on the planet. I worked in the Rides Department at Hershey Park, in Pennsylvania. That year I had been promoted to a supervisory position. I supervised three ride groups of roughly 70 people per shift and then one day opportunity knocked on my door. A vacancy came up at the Dry Gulch Railroad and I bid the job. People laughed at me and thought I was out of my mind…why would I want to get dirty and sweat the summer away? Why on earth would I want to leave my cushy supervisor’s job and become a filthy train engineer? The answer, I was terribly curious. Prior to my debut all engineers had been male; I took a demotion to fill the vacancy and became Hershey Park's first female engineer. There is nothing quite like being seated in the engine cab, a lit propane jet shooting between your knees into a steam boiler (this has nothing to do with igniting farts either) gazing at a multitude of valves and gauges that run an iron horse. I doubt I’ll ever experience anything like it again. The key to being a good engineer is to watch the gauges and monitor the amount of water injected into the boiler. The trick of it was to build enough pressure so you could make it around the track, 2 trestle bridges and back up the hill into the station without “popping off”. Popping off would occur if your boiler pressure tripped past 180 psi (pounds per square inch) and would automatically vent-hence the train would slow to a crawl. If the train stopped it either had to be pushed into the station by all the engineers or you had to tamp the flame up to rebuild steam. This took a long time because the boiler would crack if fired too quickly and at too high a flame. Keep in mind there were always 2 trains running. So if one got stuck you caused a traffic jam of epic proportion lol and nobdy likes a train full of pissed off people. There were 4 of us scheduled per shift (2 engineers per locomotive for 2 trains) physically you could only drive/take the heat for a certain amount of time before dehydration would set in especially in 90F-100F (32C-40C?) degree weather of late August.The uniform was flame resistant and scratchy (I’ve got sensitive skin and was forced to wear undershirts or break out in a rash. I sweltered). Instead of light sneakers we wore steel toed boots with thick socks. I got a lot of shit especially from the maintenance guys but stupidity and pride told me to gut it out. I chose this battle therefore I had to suck it up, there was no one to defend me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Gauging pressure was the toughest lesson for me and there were a few rookie days where I ended up stuck half way up the hill in the rain, tamping the flame up so I could build enough to finish my run. Thank goodness there weren’t that many people on board and it was the lighter train. With a little bit of steam and a light throttle we limped up the hill. First skirmish won. In the beginning I did the grunt work, putting sticky graphakote on the inner sides of every turn by hand on the track to save metal wearing against metal, greasing the engine and coming in early to fire but I began to enjoy it. (Graphakote was like putting your hand into black sandy vegetable shortening, messy, smelly and it made my hands bleed) Eventually I gained acceptance through my own stubborn nature, wit, charm and a touch of grace. The senior engineers showed me fun things to do with steam. On damp or foggy nights I learned how to “steam the graveyard” by driving slowly past the fake little western style Boot Hill and by opening up a vent pipe in the side of the engine…it created an effect similar to eerie monster movie fog. You could hear the passengers oooh and ahhhhh. Although my hazing into the brotherhood was not so fun, the test was to come out of the engine house (where the engines go to sleep at night also was our break room) and snag a ride off the moving train. You had to jog alongside the moving cars, grab onto a strut (hobo style) on the last car and swing yourself into a seat. Generally the guys slowed down for each other…lol..not for me…lol the train flew by and luckily my timing and speed were right. I nailed the catch and breathlessly sat down. I also had to have an “Engine Chew” yes folks I’ve chewed tobacco-Red Man to be exact. It was disgusting, I almost threw up while driving but managed to master the art of spitting. Nobody ever gave me shit again.

Being in your Tweens is such a wonderful time in life. It's carefree, you'll live forever and you know everything there is to know in the universe. Ah youth! lol See that picture, I used to drive that train.

Apologies

I debated with myself about removing my intoxicated drivel from last night but since this blog is about about being myself I have to be true, the good, the bad and the drunken. I got this from Miss Sara this morning and thought I'd start the Meme Madness again-all you readers-consider yourself tagged-now go out there and do it!


1. What is your occupation?

Office Manager, Jedi Mistress, Neurotic Wonder

2. Do you like banana sandwiches?

Yes with peanut butter but not fried like Elvis did

3. What are you listening to right now?

Bonjour France-instrumental music de Paris; It's like cafe music; fiddle, accordion, guitar-mello-just the right thing for a hang over

4. What was the last thing you ate?

Sushi for lunch yesterday

5. Do you wish on stars?

When it's not overcast I regularly sit on my balcony and wish on them-yes-sometimes for fun I re-arrange them if I'm feeling up to it lol

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

sea foam green or fire engine red, I can't make up my mind lol

7. How is the weather right now?

a bit chilly but I have an idea that spring is on the way

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?

LD on wednesday night-topic-love and its elusive nature

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

I'm very fond of Miss Sara, of course I like her.

10. How old are you today?

UGH-38 today but feeling like 85 lol I'm a bit hung

11. Favourite drink?

The Balvenie-scotch; Margaritas; water with a lemon wedge; green tea; earl grey

12. Favourite sport to watch?

college football

13. Have you ever dyed your hair?

yes it covers the grey nicely lol

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses?

Glasses, I do not feel comfortable intentionally poking myself in the eye

15. Pets?

Yes, Mister Finns (goldfish), a school of gangster neon tetras and hopefully a dog soon

16. Favourite month?

October

17. Favourite food?

watermelon, chinese food, seafood

18. What was the last movie you saw?

I haven't been to the cinema in ages but thanks to Netflix I saw "Sade" film with that righteous dude Daniel Autueil and "Queen Margot" another french film lol I seem to be developing a french film habit lol

19. Favourite day of the year?

August 2nd

20. What do you do to vent anger?

When I'm really angry I cry but not around people; when weather permits I find a deserted park bench behind some very tall shrubbery and just disintegrate or I'll hide out in my apartment and do it

21. What was your favourite toy as a child?

Dumpy (I couldn't say Humpty Dumpty)-an egg shaped stuffed toy who absorbed the tears and bumps of childhood

22. Fall or spring?

Tough question, I like both because they're equally colorful, are fabulous for moderate temps and I don't freeze or become a melting puddle after a walk

23. Hugs or kisses?

Yes please! both- in truckloads if possible lol

24. Cherry or blueberry?

blueberry preferably in pancakes or waffles but eatting the berry is just fine too ooooo with fresh cream mmmmmmmmmm

25. Living arrangement.

one bedroom apartment with a den in Columbia, MD

26. When was the last time you cried?

Wednesday night

Typing While Intoxicated

I'm impressed that I could type intoxicated being as shit faced as I am. God I just swore-disregard that-I'm normally not profane-well actaully I do swear quite frequently but we'll ignore that for the moment-OK? This is what I do when I'm tanked. I rewrite songs after drinking many many many Margs-Gold-on the rocks please no salt-lots of alcohol consumption-in fact lets be honest here-5 margs and the Bea-ster is still going strong. I've got stanima damnit! OK so I decded to take over Mister James Blunt's rather loely lyrics and replace them with my onw. I think mine are better but I'm partial and I'm tanked which makes life a bit funnier at the moment although tomorrow morning I feel certain, things might not go according to plan...*sigh* nothing EVER EVER EVER goes according to THE PLAN-it's sooo frustrating to make all these damne dplans and then they all fall to shit God WTF:? Perhaps I"m going to hell for sursing so much during one post? Do you think God would send me to hell for that? I don't think so, I mean there are worse things right? I'm rambling-collect your thoughts gril-FOCUS! OK here we go on the rewrite:

My life is brilliant
(whoops false start there kiddos-here we go I'm ready now)
My life is brilliant
I’m insecure
I saw an angel
Of that I’m sure
He smiled at me in the hallway
He was with another man
But I won’t lose any sleep on that
‘Cause I’ve got a plan
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s truuuuuuue
I saw your face in a conference room
An’ I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you

Yes he caught my eye
as I walked on by
he could see from my face
that I was
fucking tired
and i don’t think
I’ll see him again
but we shared a moment
that no stitcher could mend
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s truuuueee
I saw your face
in a conference room
An’ I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s true
There must be an angel
with vomit on his face
when he thought up I should be with you

But it’s time to face the truth
I will never be with you

I think I should drink heavily more often don't you? That's not part of the song, I just wrote that now. OK a question taht's been driving me nuts all day...am I really all that incompetent? Do I suck all that bad at my job? Do I possess living brain cells? Mor importantly do I know how to use them..I know how to pickle them in alcohol that's for damned sure. WTF? I swear! Yes I did just swear several times damnit. Yeah-sir-eeee-Bob-who the hell is Bob? What is he doing on my blog...God I am sooooo hammered. Tomorrow morning is not gonna be pretty. MORE Margs please!

It's 1:09 pm and I need a drink, a BIG one-no ice-neat. I want to run screaming from the building, dive beneath a comforter and forget that the alarm clock went off at 6:00 am. Quarter end has this effect on me. The office tone becomes urgent and my work ethic becomes a game of how much stress I take in a 24 hour time period. The phones become clogged with frantic sales reps trying to make their numbers, double check their quotas and somehow their personalities change overnight from decent kind human being to demanding 3 year olds with attitudes. I am also barraged by the strange and unusual calls-the ones where I put them on hold while I spend an inordinate amount of time finding the solution. Mentally, I get pulverized from 8-5 during the last two weeks of March, June, September and December; coming home bruized, rattled and wondering why I like this office so much. I know the answer, it's the people and what I am able to do for them. But there are times when I pass the point of no return and my Supa Bea cape looses its magical powers. I become an "On the Verge of Tears" mess. This is one of those days. Hopefully I will summon the strength to pull it together and keep the pace, otherwise I'll be run over.

Life

I was in a training class yesterday to improve my time management skills and the instructor asked, “What makes life worth living?” This question was asked to clarify individual values. For a moment I was befuddled, I mean this is one heavy question, seriously what makes my life worth living? Here is my list:

Life is worth living for…

Adventures… no matter how wonderful or painful they may be, it’s all part of a process

Love…the most powerful and most painful emotions in the universe that continues to defy definition

Family…they are the greatest teachers one can have and a source of unconditional love

Good Friends…wonderful beings you get to choose in life

Laughter…heals the soul and clears the darkness

Shrimp….mmmm mmmm good

Daniel Auteuil (French actor) is just too damned sexy for words-there is an intensity in his eyes that makes my heart go pitter-patt-pitter-patt




Fall…Mother Nature at work with her best blends of color



The Balvenie and Laphroaig (pronounced La-FRoig) two terribly yummie single malt scotches

The voice of Jean Reno (another French actor) *sigh* words fail. I've watched Ronin about 65 times just to hear the man's voice, we're talkin' dedication here!

Saint Patrick's Drill Down

I had a blast at my baby sister Kell's place in the windy, chilly Lehigh Valley. For Miss Sara, The Drill Down:

Thursday 3/16/06

5:00 pm Try to leave work on time to avoid traffic

5:15 pm Fail in my mission because chatty regional director wants to tell me his life story

5:45 pm Escape from chatty regional director and run from the office building on cell phone, panting and huffing to baby sister that I will arrive late because I left my clothes at the apartment and have to dash back and get my stuff

6:00 pm Run (and I do mean RUN) up three flights to Casa Bea, open the door-sniff-sniff-I forgot to take the trash out-gotta be done otherwise it could get nasty in here while I'm away-take two bags of trash out to dumpster thinking neighbors must be busting a gut watching me jog through the parking lot with two loaded Hefty Cinch sacks

6:17 pm grab empty overnight bag and start randomly stuffing clothing, tooth brush, skin care items and dash around the apartment cursing myself for improper planning

6:30 pm leave Casa Bea in Granola-ville and begin three hour trek to Baby Sister's abode-thankfully I packed all the right tunes...a metal compilation cd, two special driving mixes I made and the ever popular with my nieces- Barbie Hot Picks (the angels will weep for you if you don't have this cd for little girls)

10:00 pm arrive at Baby Sister Kell's house; am greeted at the door by my nephew dog-Clancy followed by Kell bearing a glass of Guinness for me-I walk in and feel at home. Kelly and John's house is rarely tidy, this is not a slam. There are piles of children's shoes by the door, a small peg board hangs on the wall, three feet from the floor, a rainbow of little jackets, scarves and hats hang from the pegs. Her kitchen is chaos, but it's a warm unobtrusive chaos...filled with things that remind me that under this roof there is great love. Kid made Fridge art covers every appliance that a magnet will adhere to, piles of shiny stones my niece Mary collected, a Spider Man wrist cuff web shooter, bits and pieces of toys, Polly Pockets, stickers, glow in the dark necklaces, Matchbox Cars etc. It's a hodgepodge of childhood that my sister lovingly displays. You may be ridiculed mercilessly here but the people who dewll within are kind, generous and will move heaven and earth to be by your side when bad times arrive. The chaos in the kitchen indicates that life is messy-embrace it-welcome it into yourself and become stronger.

10:02 pm Hug Kell, lean down to sing to my Dog Nephew because that's what I do. He puts his paws on my shoulders and sticks his nose in my eye, sniffing all the while. Nothing sez lovin like a cold wet nose plastered to your eye lid. I have a Clancy song that I made up and while he's sniffing my ear I sing (to the tune of the Spider Man TV show theme song), "Clancy-pants, Clancy-pants...does a funny dance...'cause he's got ants in his pants"; I sing to him in my dog voice because anybody who has a dog or knows dogs always has a dog voice to speak to them. I finish my off key vocalization and thank Kel for the offered bevvie. Clancy wags his nub of a tail and we go into the family room for a chat.

11:07 pm Kel and I retire, it's been a long day

Friday-Saint Patrick's Day

7:30 am wake hearing metalic clanging noises and my sister yelling up to my niece Mary-school time

7:47 am trundle downstairs after brushing my teeth; my niece and nephew hug my knees, it's a nice start to the morning. Kell is having a melt down, evidently someone fed the dog silly string the day before and Clancy has had several colorful accidents throughout the house. I volunteer to take care of Mary and grab a coat to walk her to the bus stop-it didn't occur to me until we got there that I was still wearing my PJ's. One of the waiting mothers saw my powder blue bottoms with sheep on them and smiled, "It's ok, we all have those mornings." I felt like a moron. Mary giggled at me while I tried to look cool in my sleepy sheep PJ's, struggling to fix my Bozo the Clown hair. I waved to my niece as she hopped on the bus in her shamrock leggings.

8:07 am arrive back home and help my nephew Sam find a green shirt while Kell is still dealing with the electric blue dog vomit

8:15 am Kell asks if I think 12 pounds of corned beef is too much for 5 adults and 4 kids-they've invited some friends over for dinner-I tell her no, even though deep down I know that amount of food would feed a third world nation-the kids will be having that Irish favorite-mac and cheese

8:30 am We all pile into the mini van to take Sam to pre-school. On our drive we listen to a Disney cd and I giggle hearing my nephew sing The Circle of Life from the Lion King complete with botched African chanting.

8:55 am Sam has been dropped off and my sister and I watch QVC (it's a TV shopping network)-we're Belleek fiends and enjoy the pure corn factor as the TV hosts welcome Irish merchants peddling their wares to the US population. We drink our breakfast bevvies and giggle. Worthy items are purchased while cheesy stuff is made fun of and dismissed.

10:00 am Kell's hubby John calls from a business meeting in Boston to let us know he'll be home by 2pm; he ate wild boar last night; we make fun of him because he's in a town famous for seafood and he gets freakin' wild boar? (which btw ended up tasting like regular old pork)

10:17 am Kell goes into full blown shopping mode, aggressively buying stuff before her husband gets home. I howl with laughter. Actually, she's a very good shopper and is quite a bargain hunter.

Noon leave to pick Sam and his friend Charles (not Chuck, Chaz, or Charley) up-they get in the van shouting about leprechauns and are both wearing wide green paper head bands with large shamrocks around the tops of their heads, the shamrocks flop around as they buckle themselves in for the ride home.

12:18 pm we pull into the driveway and Charles shouts, "WOW A GREEN PUNCH BUG-COOOOOOOLLLLLLL!"; I about piss myself laughing. I ask him if he'd like to go for a ride. His eyes widen and he nods yes, I feel my status has been elevated from Weird Aunt to Auto Goddess. Charles is beside himself as I open the door and offer him the backseat. He and Sam are chanting "Punch Bug Punch Bug" and for a moment I fear a possible Lord of the Flies occurance. I tell them that because they're inside a punch bug that they can't punch each other, it's bad voodoo. Very seriously Charles asks what voodoo is and I tell him it's like a month without dessert. He gets my drift and buckles the seatbelt.

12: 30 pm-The Drive
Sam and Charles are chattering like a pair of magpies. Charles asks if I can open the sun roof-not a problem-it's brisk but doable; Sam, bless his heart pipes in with, "What kind of tunes does this baby have?" It took every ounce of control to not howl with laughter, after all, riding in a Turbo Punch Bug is a serious thing to a preschooler. Seeing that this was an important male-child rite of passage I popped in some Def Leppard and put the pedal to the metal. They boogied to Pour Some Sugar on Me as we topped out at 75 pmh (I didn't think it would be wise to let the Bug fly with two wee ones on board). Looking in the rear view mirror I saw that Charles was indeed having the time of his life and it made me smile. Sometimes the joys in life can be so simple. I backed the Bug down and pulled into the housing development, all car windows open, music blaring and two very happy kids exited when we stopped in the driveway. Charles shook my hand and thanked me like I was a foreign head of state.

12:45 pm Make Sam a hot dog and unwrap the half cow of corned beef; Kell brings the large Nesco slow cooker up from the basement and cooking commences

2:00 pm John arrives and we give him a hero's welcome. We quickly turn off QVC because it's imperative that he not know what we bought and how much was spent. I ask him about the large tarp covered object in the garage, he giggles and tells me it's the new Porche Boxter he got. We go take a look and I salivate, it's a fine piece of steel.

3:15 pm Mary gets home from school and Sam relates the earlier Joy Ride; Mary and her friend Allysin now would like a ride in the world famous Punch Bug-I can't resist. it's a repeat except we listen to the Barbie Hot Picks cd. I return feeling like a human popscicle, it's 40F outside and I crave heat.

3:45 pm Inferno Man aka John builds a fire (I call him Inferno Man because he once built a fire so hot it cracked the bricks in the fireplace-no shit) and we gather in the cozy family room to watch Finding Nemo.

4:00 pm Kell makes beer bread because in this family there can never been enough alcohol; I set the table; John rough houses with the kids, Nemo is discarded in place of Monster game with Dad

5:06 pm dinner guest Lisa arrives with two sons both under the age of 5; we sit down to dinner

5:45 pm Andrew, Lisa's husband arrives late-we give him shit which he ignores-he asks about the new car-John tells us that he got a new one because he didn't want to put new tires on the old Boxter-life can be so difficult eh?

6:30 pm dinner is over, kids tumble downstairs to play Power Rangers-adults move to the garage to further examine the fine piece of steel

6:37 pm go back inside house to check on wee folk and hear the thunder of small feet rumbling down the hall on the 2nd floor. Walk into foyer and gaze up...from the left side (my sister Kell's bedroom) a pink Power Ranger dashes down the hall-I recognize it's my niece Mary even if she's wearing the costume mask....next my nephew Sam, he's completley nude save for the red Power Ranger mask; he's followed by a nude blue Power Ranger (I can't remember his name) and the caboose of this rumbling train o'fun is a nude 2 year old-no mask (Lisa and Andrew's youngest)...all of the kids are howling with laughter and running pell mell down the hall. I start to giggle with them because the beauty of children is that it's not about who you are or the clothes you wear (or choose not to wear in this case)...it's alllllll about the fun. The other adults come in and we watch the joyful procession of kids jog down the hall for the next 15 min, laughing along with them.

7:08 pm children collapse in an exhausted heap while adults scour three floors trying to locate discarded kid clothes

8:00 pm Lisa, Andrew and two tired toddlers depart; Mary and Sam are bathed, put to bed and the house becomes silent...much fun was had by all

Saint Patrick's Day

Since I will be out of town and off line on a visit to my sister, I thought I'd start my holiday wishes a little early.

To my bloggin' brethren:

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Y'all have a safe and happy St. Patrick's day!

The Fool's Prayer by Edward Rowland Sill

The royal feast was done; the King
Sought some new sport to banish care,
And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool,
Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!"

The jester doffed his cap and bells,
And stood the mocking court before;
They could not see the bitter smile
Behind the painted grin he wore.

He bowed his head, and bent his knee
Upon the monarch's silken stool;
His pleading voice arose: "O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"No pity, Lord, could change the heart
From red with wrong to white as wool;
The rod must heal the sin: but, Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"'T is not by guilt the onward sweep
Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay;
'T is by our follies that so long
We hold the earth from heaven away.

"These clumsy feet, still in the mire,
Go crushing blossoms without end;
These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust
Among the heart-strings of a friend.

"The ill-timed truth we might have kept—
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say—
Who knows how grandly it had rung?

"Our faults no tenderness should ask,
The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;
But for our blunders—oh, in shame
Before the eyes of heaven we fall.

"Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;
Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool
That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!"

The room was hushed; in silence rose
The King, and sought his gardens cool,
And walked apart, and murmured low,
"Be merciful to me, a fool!

Hump Day Humor!

The General went in search of his G.I.'s but could find none of them. In his frustration he waited at the barracks and at dusk one of his men ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was back on base so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and huffing. He asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir!", one heaved.
"I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down..." another one panted
"... found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead..." one soldier gasped
"...ran 10 miles, and now I'm here.", another finished.

The General eyed them. He was close to losing his temper but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

I am tired. Presently I'm at my desk, humming the theme to Rocky III, Survivor's Eye of the Tiger.

I'm disturbed on many levels:

1)I can't get this goofy song out of my head-I actually own this on 45 and I'm freaked that I would admit to this particular purchase

2)Visions of Stallone battling Dolph Lundgren (ya know that totally evil, steroid using Russian boxer who could like kill dudes with just one rip roaring punch) go racing through my mind as I try to concentrate on my reports

3)I don't even like the Rocky movies yet I find myself singing along to this idiotic song, I can't help but get down with the lyrics...it's the eye of the tiger, it's the dream of the fight...rising up to the challenge of a rival...and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he's watching us all with the eyeeeeeee of the tiger...I know I'm sick

4)Perhaps my unconscious mind is telling me that I really want to be Mister T? or Apollo Creed? Why would I want to be muscular men of African descent? ACK!!!!!!!!!

5)Maybe my body is telling me that I need to eat more Frosted Flakes?

6)I doubt it's a desire to go cavorting through the jungle with machette in hand-not my style-humidity does rude things to my hair

Summer in Spring

It is 81F/27C here in Granola-ville, this is not March weather-it's July weather. I don't care if we're at the end of an ice age or not-this temp is not normal.

Freaky Friday

The end of quarter madness has begun at the office.

The Drill Down:

7:25 am-wake up-SUPREMLEY late-hop in the shower singing Billy Idol's theme song to the movie Speed (scary that I know the lyrics and movie-but I am The Queen of Soundtracks) starring Mister K Reeves and the divine Miss Bullock... "SPEED, gimme what I need YEAAAAAH greased lightning speed speed speed's what I need"

7:47 am-leave house going mach 5 with my hair on fire; The Battle Beatle asumes Chitty Chitty Bang Bang mode and I can see flaming tire tracks on the pavement in the rear view mirror while I apply lip gloss

8:00 am-make it to work and eat my packet of Quaker instant oatmeal; enjoy the silent office, sip my tea, nice warm spring day, birds chirping...it's a Disney moment

9:07 am-one of my Un-Homeys comes up to me, begging for a favor-he needs a catered luncheon today (normally my food folks need 24 hours notice) for 12 people-no meat sandwiches (it's Lent after all)-salad-chips-assorted soft drinks and a cookie tray (heaven help you if you forget the cookies)-by noon-tell him I'll see what I can do

9:15 am-Xerox 7300 Tek Color Phaser printer beings to act as if Satan had taken possession

9:18 am-Un-Homey calls to bug me about luncheon order; he's trying to be cheap-tell him he waited until the last moment and there's only so much magic I can work in such a short period of time-shuts him up

9:20 am-call caterer, cash in a few favors, they'll deliver by noon; tell dude taking my order that he is a gracious soul and the Lord will smile upon him, he giggles and tells me "anytime"

9:45 am-15 cartons of printer paper arrive and I direct friendly trucker with loaded cart to copy room

9:48 am-friendly delivery guy takes pity on me and unloads cartons next to printers-he leaves-I check on misbehaving 7300 printer-green slime is oozing out the sides-yep Satan's here-place "do not use sign" on the blasted thing

10:00 am-go back to my desk to answer phones-4 people come up and tell me there's something wrong with the color printer, tell them that I'm working on it

10:47 am-guests start to arrive for luncheon meeting; guide them to conference room and set up LCD projector

10:53 am-three more people tell me there's something wrong with the color printer-they NEED this printer-tell them I'm working the solution

11:00 am-the lads call me into another conference room, they can't get the hub working and are quite pissed because they NEED to be on line for a web meeting PRONTO; I solve their problem by plugging the data cable into the correct port on the wall-they confirm that I am a Goddess-Lenny begs me for help, he can't figure out how to fax his expense report

11:12 am-dash to copy room to fax expenses-goes through without a hitch-7300 color printer is now levitating-go back to my desk to sign for Fed Ex man-deliver faxed report-deliver Fed Exes-go back to direct more guests to luncheon meeting

12:00 noon-Caterer Extraordinaire leaves me box of yummies on my desk on his way out-the man is Golden-my boss IMs me asking if I'll run to The Chick for her lunch, she's on a conference call and can't leave-nodda problem, I'm Supa Bea faster than a speeding locomotive, able to leap office buildings in a single bound

12:30-return from The Chick and deliver yummies to boss-give out bound mail to friendly post office dude and wish him a good weekend

1:00 pm-go back to copy room with holy water, Xerox Manual and rosary (every good office manager has these items tucked away in his/her desk for just these occasions)-an exorscism is in order-Xerox Priestess is on the line to walk me through it

2:00 pm-still on line with Xerox and have resorted to sprinkling holy water and chanting, "The power of Christ compells thee"; office folk gather around to watch as I cast out evil-am interrupted by office idiot asking me where the push pins are; this break in my concentration is a set back and the crowd gasps as the Xerox begins spewing profanities-I tamp down the urge to scream, "Open your eyes you dimwit"-point to the storage cupboards and tell idiot to check in there-bottom shelf-clear plastic container bearing 500 neon colored items he requested

2:15 pm-phone rings-put Xerox Priestess on hold while I get the other line- it's The Princess (she's 27 and still lives with her parents, they do everything for her, including thinking), she whispers into her cell phone like Snow White talking to the elves at her feet-I'm not charmed-she askes to be transfered to an odd extension-I ask her who she's trying to reach-she gives me the name-don't recognize it as one of my kids and ask what office he works out of-she's not sure-I tell her to read me the phone number at the bottom of the e mail he sent to her-she asks where that would be-I tell her to look beneath his name-she coos, "Oh yes, there it is..." the exchange is in Mass-I tell her he's at corporate and transfer her up there-I'm hungry, cranky and about ready to go all kinds of Pompeii-I do not have the time to hold her hand and explain how to read a friggin' e mail to this papmered child

3:08 pm-exorcism complete; District Manager pages me to come pick up his mail-am a bit disturbed because he sits about 10 feet away from my desk and it's not like he's gotta go through the Himalayian range to get to the outbound post basket

3:12 pm-swing by DM's desk to pick all important mail and almost explode-it's his damned phone bill that will go out on monday-like he couldn't have dropped it on his way out the door?????? Chowda sees my expression and tells me that alcohol helps-I explain that my abode is bone dry at the moment-he smiles and says all is not lost, perhpas the office gods will smile upon me as he exits for an out of office experience

3:30 pm-eat lunch; co-worker comes up to my desk, he thanks me for the white board art I left in his office yesterday-he's an avid huntsman and while he was out I drew a deer on his whiteboard-he added to the art work by placing a bullseye on Bambi's body-we giggle

4:00 pm-The Big Chalupa calls looking for my boss- he's breathing more fire than Puff the Magic Dragon- I go into flame out mode and joke with him while IMing boss trying to prevent her full blown nervous breakdown-by the time I finish with him he's in a good mood and she's calm; transfer complete-fire stamped out-all is right in the world

4:45 pm-Chowda comes up to my desk-hands me a large bottle of Margarita mix (Cuervo already in it thank-you-very-much!!!) I thank him, sing his praises and tell him upon his demise he will be welcomed into Valhalla by a horde of Valkyeries all hot for his bod-he giggles and wishes me a good weekend

I'm Chez Bea and after consuming half of the Margaritas, I'm feelin' mighty fine! Y'all have a splendid weekend. Hugs all 'round.

Belated Hump Day Humor

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied,
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Come on kids, yuck it up with me. It's thursday, the weekend is on the way!

Fortune

This was in my fortune cookie today

"It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was onto something."

Dreams

My dreams have always been in Technicolor, wide screen and Dolby sound, vivid is a good word to describe them. Had a dream this morning that woke me up in the foulest of moods. I was on an archeological dig, somewhere in the Andes. The morning was intensley bright, the air was cold but not unbearable. Jeff Goldblum and two other women were there in addition to myself. We'd found a mass grave and fragmented tablets that wise women had written to preserve their knowledge; passing it down from generation to generation. The two women read the fragments, an invasion, something the indigineous people had never seen before. I was standing on a rock giggling because I was now taller than Jeff Goldblum. The four of us left the fragments and walked up a steppe. We were in the shadow of a huge South American pyramid, walking up the side on grey coarse sand, it was a difficult climb. We walked into a chamber, there were long red curtains blowing through windows carved in the rock. Blinding sunlight fickered in and illuminated walls covered in writing. I began to read; stories of the women, how they had been just and fair rulers, they were widely respected and then the invasion had begun. The people in their fear had brutally slaughtered the women, they would walk the earth no more. I was profoundly saddened by this loss, I mean deeply upset. I murmured, "What have they done? What have they done?" and then woke up.

Pirate Noises

I'm having a bumpy night compounded by serious "drive by deja vue week". During my apointment this evening for a startling second I thought I really had lost my mind. The "shines" as I prefer to call them hit like wham! wham! wham! three in a row. I was so distracted that I totally lost my train of thought and the person I was talking to asked if I was all right. How do you explain to a rational professional that you've just seen three things take place, three things that happened in your dreams roughly 6 months ago...it defies logic and requires a huge leap of faith. The frustrating thing is it happened so quickly that I don't think I got the message and this makes me feel shitty; missing something so important that my mind sent it three times to make sure I had it. I'm just gonna have to make some Pirate noises and get over it, ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top Ten Tunes of the Week

I'm in a nostalgic mood, lets revisit the 70's shall we?

1. Cruel to Be Kind-Nick Lowe

2.Tell Me Something Good-Rufus & Chaka Khan

3. Bad Case of Lovin' You-Robert Palmer

4. Go All the Way-The Raspberries

5. Aime-Pure Prairie League

6. Gimme 3 Steps-Lynyrd Skynyrd

7. Stuck in the Middle with You- Stealers Wheel

8. Brick House- The Commodores

9. Don't Fear the Reaper-Blue Oyster Cult

10. Saturday Night-Bay City Rollers

Contest

I am in the process of adopting a retired racing greyhound. Thought it might be comforting to have a friendly face greeting me when I get home and it would be nice to have a walking companion. Greyhounds are called "45 mph couch potatoes", they're really mellow creatures. Not prone to barking or serious shedding (their coats are quite thin) they make the ideal apartment dog with one exception. They don't do stairs. It makes sense, these dogs live in crates and on tracks. So I'll have to train my new buddy on the joys of stair navigation. I go this weekend to greet the newest addition to my humble abode. Don't know if it will be male or female, don't really care, just wanted to save a life.

The contest: I call upon you-yes YOU-lurkers and Bloggies! Help me pick a name for my new buddy. I don't relish the thought of coming home to King Fleet Feet Mamma Needs A New Pair of Shoes every night. Creativity is a plus and Muffin is not an option.

Have you ever seen a baby porcupine?

Got this from my Step Mom and melted. They're just too damned cute, had to share with my Roomies. Group "awwwwwwwww" please!

Winter Whine

"...while you waste your precious hours,
I could fill your days with FFFFFLOWWWWERRRRSSSSS...."

It's a great lyric.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a day filled with blossoms especially in cold March. I want spring, I crave green grass, new leaves and budding flowers. I wanna see a world filled with yellows, pinks, blues, oranges and reds. I miss leaves; hearing them whisper while I'm walking; watching them gracefully float in a breeze; the scent of a bed of pine needles-mmmmmmmmmmm heady stuff. I want to swim in daffodils and violets, lost in a sea of vibrant colors, doesn't get any better than that. Forget the pollen, I'll deal with it when it clogs my sinuses but up until that point I want birds to return with their lively chirping. Enough with the grey skies and cold rain already. Turn the seasons, I need some sunshine!

Hump Day Humor

Thanks to Miss Sara for the laughs!