Today...I am angry

Years ago I went to a therapist who told me it was OK to be angry. It is OK to occupy that space and to admit it. Part of the healing process is the expression of the dilemma (instead of holding everything inside, a negative self-destructive manner).

Today I am angry, not the Pompeii kind of anger where I get all kinds of volcanic and violently erupt. This anger is more of a simmering bubble, things heat at the bottom and slowly come to the surface to pop, little expressions of buried frustration, resentment and over all discontent. Reasons:

1. The economy tanking, gas prices rising to levels of stupidity I didn't think were possible...and some very wealthy families making millions off the suffering of people (Americans, Europeans, everybody on the planet). This pisses me off to no end. What we do to others, we do to ourselves. What goes out comes back to the source, often 10 time more powerful or destructive than the original act. Why do human beings seem incapable of helping each other? This has been going on for thousands of years-you'd think we'd get the words of wisdom in the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud and the great teachings of Buddha. And do not tell me I don't know what I'm talking about-I've done extensive research.

2. At work, I am frustrated. There are no words to describe the depths. At the moment I seem incapable of understanding and this bothers me, deeply. If there is one person on the planet who will jump in at the darkest hour and save your ass, it is me. I really am the Dark Knight (no I'm not a man, I don't live in a cave or have an English butler to look after me-I am honorable and sincerely wish to help those who are in need) and when the shit hits the fan you call me and I get you out-that's what I do. All of this hinges on my ability to understand the scope of your situation, the ramifications of what you need and what I need to perform to get the job done. If I don't comprehend then I cannot perform, I am, for lack of a better term, cut off at the knees. If you are my executive, my drive and focus is your well being. If you want to meet with the Devil himself, I call his secretary, schedule the date/time and get you through the gates of Hell and back. I may not physically be on the trip with you but indirectly I am removing obstacles, possible nasty encounters and I am there keeping you from harm's way. I support 4 very different executives (CEO, CFO, President and Sr. Vice President) and I am failing. To give an example, you are sitting in your car trying to find a radio station (because you cannot afford satellite radio) as you spin through the dial nothing comes in clearly, every signal is weak. These radio signals are like the 4 executives I support; each has different operating frequency, a different signal strength and I am trying to find them; help them, get them what they need. But I'm not receiving the broadcast, the message is distorted, confusing and jumbled. This inability to find them makes me question my abilities and I spend sleepless nights second guessing myself. Is it me? Why can't I understand? I am giving it my best effort and still can't make it work. Does my inability to perform indicate that I should find another line of work or do I gut it out and try to work a solution? If I gut it out, I will do so without support and am I strong enough and intelligent enough to find the way through? A different train of thought comes into play here. There are situations in life that occur that are insurmountable, the lesson to be learned is that sometimes we cannot solve the problem or overcome the odds. Is this one of those situations for me? Tenacity and the inability to walk away from a train wreck have been bred into me. I cannot watch someone drown. I'm the idiot on the beach that goes racing into a rip tide with a life preserver. Maybe I am the one drowning and there's no one on the beach with a life preserver. Maybe I should swim to a safe harbour and salvage what I can?
3. I am angry because I cannot pay my bills. I have always been a responsible person, self sufficient and independent. I now find myself with $6 in my checking account; zero in savings and bills coming out the wazoo. Yet Dubya and his cronies are making billions off of inflated gas prices and people dying in the Middle East...yeah I'm a bit torqued up about that....
4. I am lonely. I am lonely because all I do is work and I work to compensate for my loneliness. It's a vicious cycle. I am by nature a shy person. I have great difficulties at parties and gatherings. I am the person who comes spends 30 minutes and leaves because I feel so socially inept. You see, deep down I don't know what to do or say and this makes me terribly nervous. I dread going to pubs and bars because I don't know what to do in them aside from the obvious of having a cocktail. When I get uneasy I blurt out the most idiotic statements and then rush off to the rest room to cringe in horror about what I've just said. When I go out to the movies, shopping at the Mall or at a store, I look at couples and wonder why I seem unable to find a decent male companion? Is it such a crime against nature that I should have a boyfriend? What is it that I project that makes me undesirable? Am I really that damaged, tainted and awful?
5. Are the standards I have established for myself too high? Have I set my own guidelines too far from my grasp and is this why I am so frustrated? I know that I push myself to extreme lengths to help others because I understand what it is like to be lost and confused with nowhere to go for an answer. Growing up I felt very alone, friendless. There was nowhere for me to turn except inward in times of difficulty. I know my mother did her best to raise us, I place no blame on her. I hold no resentment toward her, she was not responsible for the events that shaped my early development. In her own way she tried to make the best of a truly shitty situation and I doubt I could've made better choices.


So far this is just the tip of the ice berg. I'm sure there is more lurking beneath the surface but I have to wait for it to bubble up and vent it. I have no answers yet. I'm still pondering.

Navel Gazing......

Went to see "Max Payne" and would recommend waiting for rental on this one. Normally I enjoy a good testosterone charged film but this time it was a bit disappointing. On my way out of the cinema I had a thought, well actually several thoughts at once. Work has been a priority on my mind and I find myself working really stupid hours and losing sleep. Which begs the question...why do I do this to myself? Is my need for approval so great that I must work myself into a sleep deprived mess? I thought more about it on my way home. I am driven to "be there" because I know what it's like not to have any help, hence my hyper-drive to help others. I understand what it's like to be so lost that I am inordinately driven to help others...often to my own detriment. So why do I lay it on the line for an office that could give a shit less and 4 bosses who I suspect don't really give a shit either? Am I just being professional or is there something inside of me that enjoys having the shit kicked out of me?? Instinctively I know there is no pay off, there is no white knight who's gonna come charging outta the sunset and help me...I am The Dark Knight and I rescue others when they least expect it. I am the silent watchful Guardian who bails your ass out when the shit hits the fan...but I am tired of constantly rescuing others...when do I get rescued? Who helps me when I'm in trouble and can't find my way through? Disturbingly...I suspect no one...and this frightens me because I am not Teflon. There are occasions when I need assistance and have absolutely no one to turn to, no one to understand, no one to offer a life preserver or parachute. Which brings me to the question am I unconsciously being a martyr? If I am, does this make me a bad person or a self-indulgent idiot? Am I driven to help others so I can somehow find a way to help myself? Or do I really need to find another line of work so I can get myself off this treadmill of self destruction? Too many questions with no answers at the moment...