Buh Byeeeeee

Ok folks I'm heading to the mountains for a long weekend. I'll be off line tomorrow and will bring back lots of pics to share. Y'all have a splendid weekend!

A Little Night Poetry

Longfellow's Children's Hour

Apologies

It's wednesday-Hump Day-The Universal Signal to the 9-5 crowd that the weekendend is in sight. I'm going away to the Mountain house with my sister and her family. I need some peace and there's nothing more peaceful than floating around on an inner-tube on a pond in the summertime. Lately I've been focused on what I don't want in my life (see below posts if you're curious). Perhaps it's time to focus on what I do want. So while I'm away I'm going to wrap my brain around things (not physical items) I need to survive, to live a life I can be proud of, to have some peace of mind. I know that I've been down right miserable and I would like to apologize for my poor behaviour. This is a transitionary phase for me and I'm not handling the pressure very well. I've been a bit stressed. That is not a plea for sympathy-please do not misunderstand. Allow me to explain:

I've lost 110 lbs in 9 months-this is the weight of another human being

Have started 2 new jobs and have found no joy in either positions

For the first time in my life I wake up in the morning wondering what the hell I'm going to wear because none of my clothes fit (stupid-but the truth is, that scares me a little). It's a place I've never been-it's because everything is too big-this should be a joyful experience yet I find myself a little freaked out.

I'm afraid...bottom line. Being a creature of routine, my life has been turned upside-down over the past several months. Things that I took for granted as "normal" have become obsolete and I'm fumbling to find my footing. I'm wondering if the dinosaurs felt this way when they spotted the first mammals? Did they know the power of evolution? Will I rise like a Phoenix from the ashes? Yes, of course I will. I transform-that's what I do best. I just have to remind myself to be patient and not get bogged down in frustration.

Random Thoughts

Am massively hung today. Consumed ENTIRELY too much wine last night and have come to the realization that I should cut back on the sauce. Drunk dialed a friend and my old boss. I vaguely recollect what we talked about but it's all a chardonnay haze at the moment. Why is it, do you suppose, why is it that we stay in situations that make us miserable? Is it to learn a lesson? Is it because we get comfortable in the discomfort? Perhaps to stop the masochistic tendencies-it solves nothing and serves no purpose to make oneself miserable. Is it a precursor to a leap of faith, some kind of sign post stating, "It's OK to jump-NOW!" Or am I just pushing wind here? God, I need to shut my mind off for a while.

Oh an entirely different note-I got the new Harry Potter book last night-I'm embracing being an Uber Geek lol

Linkin Park to the Rescue

*sings* I've become so numb...the Bea Cave has magically transformed into a really wicked mosh pit and I imagine myself crowd surfin' with the best of 'em.... Have had another day of isolation at work and after popping the cork on a mighty fine bottle of wine (Australian Chardonnay called Tin Dog-if you can get it-do so-it's a nice crisp treat), I've come to some truths:
Truth- I cannot handle isolation-I need contact and human interaction
Truth-I cannot handle traffic-this does not mean I'm a weak person-I become evil after sitting in grid lock and I end up cursing all drivers from Virginia because they've got shitty driving habits-yes I do sincerely believe all VA drivers should be forced to turn in their licenses- the far left lane is reserved for those of us who drive mach 5 with our hair on fire not those who cruise at 45 mph-get over it-it's not "Make Your Own Lane Day"
Truth- I will alwaya have debt-there will always be bills to pay and it's pointless to spend my time worrying about paying bills
Truth- Popcorn is yummie after consuming large amounts of wine
Truth-I require some peace in my life, I deserve time to recharge my batteries. I am worthy of a disconnect every now and then.
Truth- Linkin Park should be played at the loudest decibal possible-loud enough to make the mirrors of your car vibrate

Technical Difficulties

Ok there were some issues with audio blogging so I had to remove my singing to Sher...not that this is in any way tragic but I'm not sure if I can continue doing audio blogs using Hipcast which does bum me out.

Happy Sunday

Yawning Cat is my baby sister's. His name is Pumkin. On the right The Wonder-Kitten, Jack.

SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH....listen......

*sings* I stood in this unsheltered place...'til I could see the face behind the face.....all that had come before had left no trace...down by the railway sign..in our secret world we were colliding...in all the places were were hiding love...what was it we were thinking of?


Peter Gabriel ROCKS...OK so I've had a bit of wine...am feeling mighty fine...and amazingly can rhyme

LMAO

There are times that I break myself up. This would be one of those occasions.

Had din last night with good friend, J. Nice food, good wine and conversation. Will miss her when she goes. Had a productive day of laundry, cleaning and throwing stuff away. Watched a DVD from Netflix "Texas Ranch House" (because I NEED to embrace my inner geek for documentaries from PBS). Attempted to figure out the damned software of My Space because I've got a place over there that I forgot about and spent the day having fits of frustration. Why? Although I have worked for some high tech software companies I have yet to figure out the My Space programming and am feeling...searching for the right phrase-oh screw it-I'm feeling mildly retarded because I'm a college graduate and can't figure out the damned My Space profile software. Does that put me on a moron intelligence level or what? Maybe it's the wine...chardonnay by a California vineyard called "Pure" and it is, for lack of a better term, mighty fine. I can only get it in New Jersey near my sister's house so whenever I go to visit I purchase a mixed case (chardonnay, shiraz and sauv blanc). Yep I'm a wino-do I care-no, it tastes good so bite me.

*sings* did you think you didn't have to choose it...I alone could win or lose it...in all the places we were hiding love...what was it we were thinking of? In this house of make belive, divided in 2 like Adam and Eve...you put out and I receive....did you think you didn't have to choose, I alone could win or lose it...all the places we were hiding love...what was it we were thinking of? (DIVINE bass solo-crowd noises etc-this is where the 14 foot projection screen revolves with a massive strobe light cue that in all honesty, can make one cream one's jeans) oh the wheel is turning, spinning round and round and the house is crumbling but the stairways stand.... with no gulit, no shame, no sorrow or pain.....whatever it is, we are all the same...

I have a nasty habit of breaking into song every now and then, especially after consuming some vino

Yes that's a pic of me, wearing my Bose noise cancelling headphones...if you have the $$$$ to invest I would HIGHLY reccomend this purchase...listening to music on my iPod with these babies is a religious experience. If you're gonna have toys, invest in the best baby.

"...what was it we were thinking of..."

I'm going out to din tonight with a good friend, she is moving to Alaska. I've known her for 6 years and this will be the last time I see her for a long, long time.


I've been going through a heavy Peter Gabriel phase musically speaking. So much so that I went out and bought "Secret World" (the concert video made from his "Us" album). For some reason I can't stop watching it. It's not the best concert video ever shot, and I'm certain it's not his finest performance ever but there's something in the music that speaks to me and it helps to ease the fog a bit. When things get really bad, I pop in the DVD and strangely feel comforted. Maybe it's the music? Or perhaps the routine of something familiar? In my head I wonder how the lighting and scene cues were called...really...I sit there staring at the screen wondering...hmmm how the frig did they tech this thing? How much does that 14 foot double-sided revolving screen weigh and what kind of truss is up there supporting it? I wonder who's beneath the stage tugging on the phone cord that keeps Mr. Gabriel upright during the opening of "Talk to Me" when he strolls out of the telephone box? Did the stage hands have fun with it and jerk him around (literally)? Strange shit that only a former stage hand would wonder about, probably shit that no one else would be concerned with-they'd be more into the songs and musicians. Nope, me, I'm wondering how many trucks were used on that tour. I know, I'm not normal.


Peter Gabriel is a stud muffin though... gotta admire a man who is so in touch with his feminine side and can do a nasty bump and grind in front of thousands of fans. But seriously, I respect his artistic integrity and amazing lyrics.

What Spirit Animal Are You? Because You NEED to take more fun quizzes!!

Your Score: The Wolf

Here's your results! Your spirit animal has a Nobility ranking of 12 out of 18.

Your spirit animal is the wolf. It is a ferocious companion, and a loyal friend. It is both a respectable and noble creature; to have this spirit animal says good things about you, and that you are starting to figure things out. Wolves are pretty rare spirit animals.

Just call me "Dances with Bea-Wolves"

Link: The What is Your Spirit Animal Test

Angst Continues...

I'm still in that "Grey Area Place". You know that spot where you're unsure, confused and generally go from day to day in some kind of deep-sub-conscious-thought-induced haze. Lately I've been battling insomnia, last night I was able to fall asleep by 12:30. I've been awake until 2am most of this past week. Much on the mind, ya know, the whole "direction of my future" thoughts. Because working in an office is just not my bag baby. I envy people who come out of the womb and know exactly what they want to do, and then spend the next 50 years doing it-Christ that's got to be an easy feeling. I mean how do they know? Does an angel whisper it to them in a dream? Is there some hidden billboard which is visible to them and not to fools like me who flop around like a landed fish trying to figure out what to do with my life? I keep thinking that if I make my mind quiet enough, some inner voice (like James Earl Jones in The Lion King) will boom out of the darkness offering profound career advice on the next phase of my adventure. At the moment, nothin'...squat...nodda...silencio...I can hear damned crickets chirping in the twilight fields of my mind. How can one know anything without first trying it? It's one thing to research the hell out of a career choice but it's an entirely different experience to actually do it.
Ok so after I graduated from college (that would be when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and wooden underwear was all the rage), I've worked in theatre, health care, credit cards, God's Waiting Room Attendant, Office Goddess in the Technology Field, Office Goddess in a FUBAR company, moving on to a Possible Interesting Experience in Glorified Babysitting (exec asst to VP of Sales). At the tender age of 21 I never anticipated this much flux in my career path. I'm not sure if anybody really can forsee this kind of roller coaster action. Not that I'm complaining-I'd take the roller coaster any day over the merry-go-round. It's been a hell of a ride so far. I've learned much and experienced all kinds of things ranging from the exhilarating to the deeply tragic. The crux of the matter is that I'm not sure what to try next...like being really hungry and standing at a huge buffet-what do you pick? the sweet or the savoury? that nice lamb chop or those interesting collard greens? or perhaps that steak or maybe a nice wedge of lasagna?

So many delightful and interesting things to try,
but which one will satisfy?
Now I'm waxing poetic...*sigh*

Have not come up with the answer yet and am wondering when the spirit will move me onto the next phase...it's a huge circular thing...here I am going all kinds of Lion King-any moment I'll break into a rendition of Elton John's "Circle of Life" complete with me scampering-Simba-like-down the damned office hallway into a large growth of hideous plastic plants...can life possibly get any better than this?

What Is Your Seduction Style?

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

I would like to thank S for bringing on my addiction to Blogthings-click on the title link to see what kind of seduction style you have!

What Tarot Card Are You?

Click the Title Link and check it out!!


The High Priestess






You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.
You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.
You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.
Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.

Your fortune:

Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.
You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.
And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.
You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

I found this through S's Blog-thanks for the cool stuff!

Some Pics

Jack being stealthy trying to stow away in my bag.








Me, not the best photo but certainly the most recent. Gosh you could land a plane on my forehead!





Jack looking all kinds of tough

Room of Your Soul

Cruised over to S's blog and got this nifty link-check it out.

The Room of My Soul


You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. (Is this really true???)

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Magic Number 8

Miss Sara tagged me with this Meme...here's the scoop-8 random facts/habits that no one knows about you-tag 8 people at the end and pass the Meme Madness along...and away we go:

8-In my spare time I write sexy stories-strange but true and no I'm not telling anybody where I've been published-you'll just have to deal

7-The man that plays Michael Buble's "Lost" in a boom box outside my bedroom window in the rain like John Cusak in Say Anything is the man I marry. I doubt this man exists but it's a great dream isn't it??

6-I am secretly terrified of making mistakes-I lose sleep over shit because I wonder if I've made a mistake.

5-I push people away because I'm afraid they'll see all of my flaws and make fun of me

4-Alcohol hits my bloodstream 80% faster than it does for "normal" people

3-I am a candidate for Road Rage. I am the person in the far left lane going mach 5 with my hair on fire, swerving in and out of traffic...YEP that's me on your bumper now get outta my way....

2-I invent nicknames for my pets-for example Jack the Wonder Kitten is also known as-Softie, Kitten Chop, Buddy, Slinkie, Tuna Breath, Choppie Floppie, Kittenopolous, Chopalonius, and Baby.

1-On the outside I appear organized but deep down, I am a closet slob.

I'm not sure if I know 8 people to tag that still read my blog so here goes. I tag Mighty Mighty LD, Miss Sher, Rowan (if yer still on line chickie), CS (not sure if he's out there anymore) and anybody else who has stopped in and wants to play.

Happy Tuesday

Today, interview at 2:00 pm-WHOO HOOO!!! Perhaps the gods will be smiling upon me today and I can end this minor hell I've encountered. Actually it's not all that bad. This may sound callous and cruel but yesterday a client got stuck in one of our elevators and I was called in to assist. When the girl came to tell me of the unfortunate circumstance I giggled at my desk, couldn't help it. Then as I stood in front of the elevator I wanted to say "Pop question...." (quoting from the movie Speed at the opening of the movie when Jeff Daniels has Mr. Reeves dangling so effortlessly above a stopped elevator) but I thought better of it and helped the maintenence man get the doors open. The fact that no one in this office found the Speed reference funny disturbs me or perhaps I am the disturbed one? Maybe it's a sign that I need to get the frig outta here? Jury's still out...

PS-thanks for the phone call last night Mighty Mighty LD-helped put things in perspective for me-you rock on with your bad self man!!

Good God!

I have been away for far too long. The new job has been or is rather, a disappointment and after much soul searching, it's not my bag baby. I've discovered that I do not thrive in office environments, in fact, it kills me. So my mind has been focused on other career options. I could go back into theatre; stage management is the last frontier that I haven't entered. But the more I think about stage management and a life in theatre I discover that it doesn't appeal to me anymore. I don't want to constantly be looking for work. The travel might have been fun when I was younger but now doesn't appeal to me. I do not want to be nursemaid to actors and am tired of carrying the burdeon of responsibility. In all hoensty, I'd like someone to look after me the way I've looked after others for all these years. Recently I've made some collossal career blunders. I've been told that it's a learning process but I feel like someone who has gone over Niagra Falls without the protective barrel. I would like to have a deep sense of satisfaction from my job, don't need to make more money than I could ever possibly spend but I would like to be happy. Not Snoopy dancin' but something close to that and these days I spend many nights consuming frightening amounts of wine to dull the ache of just existing in time and space. I've misplaced my compass and am wondering how do I regain something that I've lost?
Have been thinking a lot about writing. Perhaps one of the reasons that I've been so misearble is because I haven't been blogging. It was something that I enjoyed. Not that I aim for Hemmingway or Stephen King standards but there is something theraputic in writing. Something soothing about the clack of the fingers on the keyboard, the rhythm of the words flowing out of the mind and onto the page/computer screen. The mad giggles when something strikes me and I'm able to put it down and share it with others.
BUT...
Do I have the courage and creativity to pursue this as a career? Do I have the strength to take rejection? Do I have the stamina to continue? More importantly-am I creative enough to do it? It's not about the money-it's about the story-the people-the mad typing at 4am because something hit me and I've gotta get it down-even if it doesn't work into the story I might be able to use it somewhere else... who knows? Do I have delusions of grandeur-no, I don't want to be The Best, I'd settle for being happy.
SO...
I ponder and ponder and ponder. Because I really don't want to botch up again career wise. I am tired of being unsatisfied and miserable. This is no way to live a life, I don't know how anybody manages to maintain their sanity doing a job that isn't remotely enjoyable. Well I do know how one can manage, with alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.